Complicated: A collection

Parallel

My phone rings, and it's you. Butterflies and knots explode. I wonder how it's possible to be so happy and terrified at the same time. You never call me.

"Hey,"

I try to keep my voice level. Always in control. You can never know how much I miss you when you're gone. How much I want...

"I need to see you,"

My stomach drops. It's time.

"You're leaving, aren't you?"

Silence. I can almost hear the gears spinning in your head. I know you are. And we're both afraid to admit it out loud. So, instead, you repeat yourself.

"I need to see you. You made me promise."

And just like that, I'm crying. You're so thoughtful and yet selfish. I can bet I'm the last on the list of people to say goodbye to. I almost wonder if I'm the best or the one you almost forgot...
Only to know I'd never let you hear the end of it.

"You- you know where to find me."

My voice cracks, and I silently curse at myself.  Now you'll know I was crying.  Because you know me so well, I can tell you ignore the sniffle and the crack because I'll yell at you. Instead, I can hear you sigh.

"I'm coming."

I wait for what seems like forever. Then there you are.  As soon as I see you, it hits me like a ton of bricks. You're leaving. For real. As soon as we lock eyes, I run to you and hold you so tight. I'm not sure you can breathe. And just before I'm embarrassed and pull away, you pull me back and hold me. I can feel your heartbeat. Fate is cruel. My head lines up with your chest just so.

We talk for what feels like hours. It could have been. When I'm with you, it feels like this whole new world where only we exist. And yet, somehow, I am all too aware of all the things that can take you away from me.

For a moment, you just look at me, and I wonder what is next, what bombshell you're dropping now. Instead of saying anything, you smile and just hold my hand so tight it becomes numb for a moment, and I can immediately feel the tears. You pull me close, brushing your lips against my forehead. Your way of quieting my mind.

Can you tell my heart is racing? It feels like you've lifted me up and crushed me all in one. How do you do this to me?

"You know I love you?"

I don't. I know you care about me. I know you never want to hurt me. I KNOW you won't ever truly understand why I want you so far i'll never see you again, and yet I never want you to move?

I feel you shake my shoulder lightly. You want an answer. I settle for the easy one.

"Yes. And you know... you know."

I close my eyes. It's too much. I don't want you to leave.

"I have to go."

I tighten my grip. NO. NO. There's so much more to say. There's so much more I have to tell you.

I pull back, searching your eyes for any sign that maybe, just maybe, you get it. That maybe you'll choose me this time.

You smile at me, and everything hurts.

"I have to go."

I shake my head silently, moving away, feeling the miles start to pile up between us. I feel myself bubbling up, about to explode, and suddenly I am shouting,

"I love you."

"I know."

It's obvious you had known. But nothing has changed. Except this. Except now it's in the air and I can't take it back, no matter how much I want to.

Then we're just staring, almost as if both of us know that the next step could destroy everything.

"You're pretty cute when you're nervous, you know that?

There it is. The easy joke you throw out to avoid. I don't want it. I want the truth.

I want you to free me.

The tears come again. I nod slowly, unsure of how to be in this world where I am so hopelessly in love with you. And you're just...gone.

Then, as if you can not stop yourself, you are kissing me. And I am frozen. Stuck.

It's over before it really began.

"I'm sorry. But now I really have to go."

And then you are gone. And I find myself tracing my lips where you once were. Warm. Sweet. You taste like broken promises and fantasy.

I wonder if you realize that after all these years, I still go back to that moment. The moment I realized that getting everything you ever wanted can feel a lot like a broken heart.