Complicated: A collection

Never enough

Your eyes were beautiful. They still are, but I haven't seen them in years. When I realized I had forgotten the sound of your voice I cried until I couldn't breathe. You were my rock, my protector, my favorite person in the entire world. Until her. 

She was beautiful and confident, a combination that anyone could tell had captivated your attention. Anyone that is, except her. She was oblivious, or a tremendous actor (I'll give you a hint, it's the latter.) I was fine. I was entirely unaware I loved you until you looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes filled sad with sadness. For her.

"I love her."

When it stung, my brain was smart enough to erase the pain for a little while. After I got home, I remember standing frozen in the doorway, wondering why I was dumb enough to push you towards her. I realized only after trying to reverse my actions that it was too late. She had entranced you. I remember watching you two fall in and out of love wondering why on earth I tortured myself for you.

Until I no longer could. 

The separation was slow. You were too blindly in love to notice my sudden disappearance. She consumed you. It was a mutual friend reminding you of the people that mattered that prompted a conversation I wish I could forget. 

"Is it true? Do you love me?"

You babbled as if it would help you digest the true meaning of the words. My silence made you even more uneasy. 

"Tell me."

I could never deny you. 

"Yes, of course, I love you. How could I not? You're one of my best friends..."

I tried being nonchalant, chalking it up to friend love, desperately hoping I could fool you. But, I could not. 

"Stop pretending."

I don't remember why that set me off. I can only guess because you had been ignorant so long and now you were so suddenly enlightened. 

"Why do you even care?"

I could feel the anger settling in, magnified by the tears that were due any moment. When they finally came, I could see the tension leave your body and feel you inch closer to comfort me. But I could not bear to have you touch me. Stepping back, I reminded myself I was better without you.

"Please, don't cry..."

"I can't stop. It's how blind you are. I have become nothing but your relationship. I can't. I can't."

I wrapped my arms around my body, trying to keep myself together long enough to survive this conversation. 

"That's why you left?"

I nodded unable to form words.

When your arms wrapped around me, I felt my chest tighten with agony. You would never be mine. Kissing my forehead, you whispered,

"Don't leave." 

"I-I-I have to. Would you stay?"

I should not have asked you that. 

"For you? Yes."

I wondered for just a moment how your love felt. This version felt pure and concrete. Did she realize the luck she possessed? 

You took your arms away all too soon. 

"Please?"

You were begging me now, and for one single, solitary, moment, I changed my mind. But, I knew nothing would ever be different. You would still love with reckless abandonment, and I would pine for your heart more and more every day. 

"Can you imagine the pain I'd go through every day realizing I only get a part of you while she gets everything?"

With that I shoved you, shocking you enough to walk away. 

I heard you, you know. 

I heard you call my name a thousand times. 

I wondered if you heard my heart break into pieces.