Complicated: A collection

Leaving Comes Natural

"I'm so sorry I left...again".

You whisper with your head hung low, as if you're a child I have to scorn.

I feel my eyes start to betray me and I grind my teeth to keep control.

"It's okay."

No. It's not. 

It's not fair that every time he leaves, I'm strong enough to hate him, but as soon as he comes back, I am too much of a wreck to deny him. 

I turn away from him closing my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of him again. 

"Please. Look at me".

He's standing right in front of me, begging me to forgive him with his eyes, and I'm trying. But I am too used to having to stitch my chest back together to give him my heart so quickly. I open my eyes, looking up at the man I have loved more than anyone and wondered what he could say to fix this, fix us. 

He yanks me to him suddenly, and his scent consumes me all at once. 

"I love you."

It's this one phrase that breaks me. How do you destroy someone you love? I think about putting a fraction of the pain he has caused me into his hands, and I am distraught. How can he "love" me?

"You don't destroy people you love."

He responds with silence, and I am not surprised. He has never been able to face me when I speak the truth. I feel him stiffen.

He pulls me back enough to look at his face and begins kissing me all around. My forehead, my cheeks, my nose, everywhere but the one placed I have pictured for so long. 

"I love you."

He repeats. 

"I. I love you."

He leans down so close I can feel his lips. My heart has either stopped entirely or is beating so fast I am unaware of it. Then he is kissing me.

I have imagined this for years. I have pictured fireworks and flowers and candy tasting chapstick.

Instead, I feel nothing. 

I push him back, and he is as confused as I am.

"What- What's wrong this is what you want, right?"

"I-No. No, it's not. You lost that chance the last time you left."

My stomach fills with knots and my skin feels cold. 

He looks at me, with the same look I use to give him.

"Is this how you feel all the time. I'm so sorry I keep doing this".

I nod too numb to say anything. 

We stand there staring at each other for what feels like hours. 

"Please. Forgive me.

"You know I do. I always do."

"Yes. Yes, you do."

I don't remember falling, but I remember you catching me.

Our mouths find each other naturally this time and this time I can feel the world spinning around me.

When you finally pull away, I can tell it was for all the wrong reasons. 

With all the strength I have left and some to spare I get up and go.

Just like you.