This rockstar life

2.12 Whisper

That was the third time Steve had said he loved her and she hadn't said it back. The first time was in bed...after... She'd just smiled sleepily and nuzzled his neck. The second time she'd replied with 'beautiful boy', and kissed him. And this time she'd tightened her hug and murmured 'my love', which is almost, but not quite, the same thing. All positive responses, all love-ing, and yet...

But she acts like she does. She's been here pretty much every day that he hasn't been travelling, and, increasingly, a lot of the time when he's away. She's bought a coffee maker, and filled the bathroom with bottles of pink goop and more mascara than any creature with only two eyes could ever need. She laughs at his jokes, and holds his hand, and wears his sweaters, and combs the tangles out of his hair, and is never, ever, cross when his nightmares wake her up. That must mean something, mustn't it?

Unless...it wouldn't be the first time that a girl had latched onto him because of the whole...fame and money thing. It's certainly convenient, if you've messed up your life and got stuck with living with your parents, to meet a lonely millionaire with a big empty house. But then, wouldn't you declare true love as soon as possible? Put all your effort into being the perfect girlfriend, try to seal the deal before the poor sap realised what was happening? Lovely as she is, Liss is way too independent, and stroppy, and downright weird, to be an aspiring trophy wife.

Still pondering, Steve turns over, and then feels Alice curl her legs up to spoon him. See, that's loving! Maybe she's just one of those people who shows it through actions rather than words? But it's seemed, sometimes, that she was about to say it, and then didn't, turned it into something else. So does she not feel it, or just not want to say it? Maybe the words don't mean to her what they mean to him? Unhappy associations, a bad experience in the past? Or maybe he's the one who's done it wrong, said it too fast? He'd always, or so people told him, tended to fall in love too easily, getting his heart stomped on over again. He thought he'd learned that lesson, but this time the protective wariness he'd cultivated just didn't kick in, silenced by such a strong sense of...recognition? Acceptance? Rightness. This has to be a two-way thing, he just wouldn't be so sure, would he, if he wasn't feeling love coming back the other way? But how can you ever be certain?

Over the churning thoughts, Steve imagines Dr Janson giving his usual spiel about self-belief and trust, 'Insecurity is a result of your interpretation, not others' behaviour' blah blah blah. Shutting his eyes he tries to give himself a mental pep talk; you're lying in the arms of a beautiful girl (is that patronising? Should I say woman?) who is far sweeter to you than you deserve (no, I'm supposed to think I do deserve it) and makes you happy (or as happy as is possible - no, too negative) and that should be enough (no, more than enough). Exasperated at his own brain, he instead makes a concerted effort to ignore the doubts and focus on the 'evidence' that Alice really does love him - thinking about all the hugs, walking down the street with her hand in his back pocket, her running down the stairs to greet him when he comes back from a trip (hey, this is working!), kisses in cabs, waking every morning in a tangled embrace, cups of tea that magically appear when he's stressed, and the time they got hysterical giggles for no reason at all and were thrown out of the Saatchi Gallery.

Just as he's starting to drop off he hears a whisper,

"Stevie?"

It takes a second or two for his drowsy brain to react, but as he is about to open his mouth to reply, he hears another murmur, so quiet it's almost just the feeling of breath on his skin.

"I love you."

It's sealed with the lightest of kisses on his shoulder.

He quashes the instinctive response of 'I love you too' and thinks for a moment. She was checking if he was awake before she said it, and only spoke when he didn't respond. So, she thinks he's asleep and didn't hear her. Which means, for whatever reason, she still doesn't want to tell him properly. But why? What...Then suddenly he catches himself; she loves him! Ten minutes ago he was agonising over why she was with him at all, and now he knows for sure. Even if she can never say it, he'll know and that really is enough.

(February 1990)