New.
I went straight inside my Mother's room once I reached our old house in a huff. I want to let everything out. The range, the blame, and all the pain that I want to throw at her. I want to scream and tell her every hateful word I suppressed to release for a long time because of the pain she caused me. As much as I would like to deny it, the betrayal that she did to the Father I grew up with became one of the factors why I refused to believe that I deserve the genuine love that Tay used to offer to me. I punished myself and believed that I didn't deserve to be loved the same way my Father loved my Mother.
"New, you finally came home"
She said as soon as she saw me standing at her door, a warm smile lifted the corners of her mouth, the same smile my Father fell in love with the first time he saw her. She sat up from her bed and walked closer to me, but stopped when she saw me fall on my knees and started crying my heart out.
No words came out as planned. All I did was cry, letting every emotion I buried deep down inside me go out of my system. I can't blame her, I can't blame anyone else. It was all my fault. I was the one to blame for deciding to build my own walls. I pushed him away, I blocked his love. I was too focused on the fear of hurting Tay the way my Mother hurt my Father, I didn't know I would end up hurting him in my own way.
I hold my chest tightly when the pain I feel in my chest becomes more difficult to endure, even my Mother's embrace couldn't comfort.
-
From: Tay
Message: I'm sorry, Hin. Please stop waiting for me.
The message I received from him that night kept on flashing back into my mind more often when I returned back to the place we were supposed to call our home by now. Three weeks have passed but I still couldn't process them. I refused to do so. The message was like an arrow pointed directly onto my chest and he sent it in a perfect shot that broke me into pieces.
I never dared to respond, not because I'm mad, but because I couldn't accept it yet. I still refuse to admit to myself that it's probably the end of us. That no matter how we love each other, we really are not meant to be together the way we like it.
It would be easier if Tay at least gave me a hint when he's about to let go. If he became an asshole, I can say that he left for the better. If only he showed me that he was tired, and couldn't wait any longer. But he never did. He made me feel wonderful until the very last day before he decided to leave. He made me feel how loved I am. He took care of me up until the very end before he left the country by making sure that he'll be leaving me armored. I still remembered how he went to my apartment the day after he left, bringing me food I could eat for 5 days. He also told me out of nowhere that I should stay careful all the time. That sounded weird, but I chose to let it slide because Tay was always a natural sweet person. If only I knew that he was preparing me for his departure that day, I'll definitely do everything I can to stop him.
Now, all I wish is I hope he also showed me how to mend.
-
I tried putting my shattered world back together for days, by acting like everything is fine and denying that everything that happened was the truth, but it just made me suffer more. The idea of him not being part of my life anymore, broke my heart open in all the best and worst ways. I bet no one has ever been prepared for what it means to accept that the person who has been beside you all the time will suddenly won't be part of your life anymore.
I miss Tay.
I miss the times I wake up in the morning and couldn't help but smile everytime I see him staring back at me, admiring me like the most precious thing he ever laid his eyes on.
