In Another Life || Kanej

Lost and Found

Kaz stumbled back to his and Jordie's house, his mind reeling. Who was that girl? Who was that boy he'd been but not really been? Why had that man in the not-dream call him a monster?

I'm not a monster. Kaz thought. I always try to be good and do the right thing. I've not done anything wrong. I haven't... killed anyone or anything. But even as the thought it he was certain it was not the truth.

He had killed. Maybe not in this body, in this lifetime. But Kaz was certain he had watched life drain out of eyes before and even enjoyed it. He was certain he was at fault for countless lost lives, that he was a murderer and a monster.

Kaz shrank into his coat, horrified by the idea and disgusted with himself. He cast his mind around, looking for a more peasant thing to think about. Inej.

The Suli girl from the high wire. She had been in his not-dreams, beside him and before him, fighting and killing right along. She was a murderer too, wasn't she?

No. Inej is too good to be a murderer. She's just like one of her Saints. Inej is so much better than I could ever be. My Wraith.

Wraith?

What did that mean? Why was she called the Wraith?

A sharp not-memory came at him, Inej sneaking around light on her feet, always entirely silent. Quieter than a cat.

What would Jordie think of her? Kaz wondered. What would Jordie think? What would she think of Jordie? 

Kaz was certain Jordie did not exist in this other timeline--long dead and gone. He'd felt the not-real rage and horror of losing his brother, the murderous intent when he looked at Pekka Rollins--the man who'd taken Jordie away.

Who is Pekka Rollins?

Kaz's own voice echoed back to him from the distant timeline.

Pekka Rollins is a Barrel boss, nothing more.

But he wasn't. Kaz didn't spend a whole lot of time in the Barrel, but he knew who led each gang, who not to offend, and who to watch out for. Pekka Rollins was not a name he recognized, not one of the prominent gang leaders in Ketterdam.

But Kaz did know the name, he knew he did. He knew the simmering hot anger that came with hearing it, and the calm urge to kill when that face popped up in the back of his mind.

"Brick by brick." Kaz whispered to himself, not at all understanding why he'd done so.

He pushed open the door to his and Jordie's apartment and called out to his brother.

"Jordie? Are you back yet?" An answering yell came from the kitchen.

"I'm making dinner. What took you so long? See a pretty girl?" Jordie joked. Kaz had, in fact, seen a very pretty girl.

"I went for a walk." Kaz was surprised at how readily the lie came to his lips. Kaz wasn't a liar. Or maybe he was. Kaz didn't really know who he was anymore--what he would and wouldn't do.

"Oh? Where'd you go? I hope you weren't wandering around the Barrel by yourself. It's dark out now." Jordie came into their little dining room, carrying plates of food for both of them. He liked cooking for his brother, and his brother liked his food. Jordie was a good cook.

"No, just around Fifth Harbor to see the water."

"Something about that place, huh?" Kaz blinked, realizing Jordie was right. He did go by Fifth Harbor rather often. He seemed to be drawn there, and now that he thought about it he felt like he had been waiting for someone or something. A ship and the girl captaining it. The Wraith.

Kaz shrugged, "I guess so. It's not quiet at night--none of Ketterdam is--but it just feels peaceful somehow. Like it's mine." It was true. Kaz did feel like Fifth Harbor was his, in a way. He couldn't really explain the feeling. Jordie didn't seem to mind this, just smiled at his brother as they sat down together.

"The whole city could be yours, Kaz. You just have to be open to the possibilities. That's what business is about." Kaz smiled and shook his head. 

Jordie was the business man. Kaz had never wanted to be a mercher, but it was all Jordie had dreamed of. His dream was coming true, slowly but surely. Kaz had always thought business to be a bit of a dirty cat fight. He was too honest, too caring for anything of the sort.

Another one of those strange not-dreams slammed into him before he could even so much as turn his head.

"I'm a business man. No more, no less." He told Inej, who wore a dark hooded cloak, several sharp daggers, and a disapproving expression.

"You're a thief, Kaz."

"Isn't that what I just said?"

Kaz snapped back to the present.

I'm not a thief. He told himself desperately, willing it to be true. I'm a good man.

Another not-memory, sharp and unwelcome.

Standing atop a lighthouse, Kaz was dangling a man by the ankles over the railing. A wary boy with red-gold hair was watching from Kaz's peripheral vision.

"I'm a good man! I'm a good man!" But Kaz wasn't. Rage, white and hot coursed through him.

"There are no good men in Ketterdam. The climate doesn't agree with them." Kaz dropped the man's ankles, not bothering to watch him fall. The man's screams were abruptly cut off with a sort of crunch. Kaz walked away.

With a gasp, he came back to the present. He remembered why he'd done it. What the man had said and offered that had made Kaz let go. Guilt and shame filled Kaz. How could he do such a thing? The man probably had a family, friends. People who cared about him as Kaz did for Jordie.

This was the kind of man who had hurt Inej, who'd made her suffer for a year at the Menagerie. Men like him deserved what they got, and suddenly Kaz didn't feel guilty anymore. He wanted to go find the Suli girl again, make sure she was alright. He wanted to hurt anyone who'd ever so much as thought about laying a hand on her. Kaz had promised her freedom, and freedom she would get.

But she is free. Kaz thought. She's with her parents in the Suli performing tent. She's safe and she doesn't need me to protect her.

But something else tugged at Kaz's conscience. The feeling that Inej was in fact in grave danger, and so was he.

I need to get out of this. His thoughts were wild and panicked, a whirlwind of confusing thoughts about this man called Pekka Rollins and a prison turned laboratory. Distantly he felt a small sting on his neck and once more he was at the table with Jordie, smiling and laughing as if none of it had happened.

But it had happened, even if Kaz wasn't sure what 'it' was.

He would get to the bottom of this, he promised himself.

He knew the key to figuring it all out was Inej, his Wraith.

Kaz would go find her, then. Together they would fight their way out of this, knives drawn and pistols blazing.

Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.