Kalopsia.

am i wasting my life?

potential warning:
- anorexia nervosa implications
- calorie mentions

another minute turns to another hour,
and the clock wont stop ticking,
reminding me of the decisions i have to make,
reminding me of the fact that things weren't and aren't okay,
reminding me of all the missed assignments and the missed seconds,
as i desperately try to catch up with all the time running from my hands,
try to catch up with the smile on your face when you see me,
and catch up with the red nose from the winter winds.

time will slowly fade into nothingness,
as i'm reminded that everything is so temporary,
all these thoughts and feelings are so real but so far away,
distantly hidden away,
numbed by the clock ticking reminding me that tomorrow is a brand new day,
a brand new day to do the same things i did today,
a brand new day filled with the same troubling ideas and troubling thoughts infesting my brain and making me sick,
a brand new day to worry about the same things i worried about today.

the minutes will fade to days,
as the days become nothing but a race against myself,
to see how long things can carry through,
how long i can hold myself together without an ounce of support,
how long i can stand hating myself and everyone and everything else.
because i am so miserable,
so miserable that the pile of orange leaves raked into the corner no longer instill joy the way they did when i was 12,
or the way that snowfall reminds me of nothing but misery and coldness,
or that your smile doesn't make me smile anymore,
just overthink about all the possible ways i can fuck this up,
all the possible ways i can ruin this and push you away from me as though that will distract me from the reality that this, this is reality.

because no matter how much the days fade away into nothing and become months,
or the way that my hair will slowly clump and fall out into my hand as i grip so tightly to what i still can,
no matter how miserable i get,
the same worries will worry me tomorrow.

christmas is no longer a day for blessings and joy,
or family and christmas dinner,
because i'll so tightly push myself away into a corner,
avoiding the fun felt by everyone but me,
i'll look at my sister as she opens the presents all excited,
whilst i'll try to remind myself that i need to be okay today,
even if my head is killing me,
pounding from stress and misery,
i'll bake the christmas cake and be so happy for everyone else,
whilst all i can think about is how many calories are in 250grams of flour and 4 eggs and whether i can fit it into my self set limit,
or the way the vibe feels off this year,
like i'm missing all the fun,
can anyone else feel it too?
or is it just me?

because all i've ever heard my whole life is how i complain too much,
when honestly i don't think i complain quite as much as i should,
just sit complacent in being tortured by own mind,
just sit and listen as the tv shows home alone 3 for the 4th time in one day,
or as the smell of ginger burns my nostrils