Devotion [Book 1]

Good At Goodbyes

Chapter 3

***

Steve stood panting at the top of the hill, his hands on his hips and his eyes trained on the glittering surface of the glassy lake below. His serum-enhanced eyes drank in the many shades of green and blue greedily, his hot breath punctuating the frigid morning air. It had been dark out when he'd left the others sleeping safely in their beds, and now as the sun began it's steep incline over the surrounding mountains the frozen dew had started to melt away.

The distinct sound of birds and other small creatures stirring filled his ears. Steve realized a part of him relished the absence of beeping taxi's and train carriages clattering away as they had done so in the crowded city back home. The brisk mountain air was also a godsend, the purity of clean oxygen filling his lungs and strengthening his restless muscles.

Yet despite the sanctuary in the hills he had come to call home for the last few months, he couldn't shake the feeling of agitation and boredom. With no training drills or briefings to fill his days anymore, he was left with nothing but books, cooking and chopping firewood. It was a simple life. A life he might of daydreamed about once upon a time in the cold muddy trenches of the First World War. He couldn't help but imagine what his younger naïve self would think about the life he was leading now. A man in exile; living with a group of superheros on the run from the world.

Steve loved the Avengers like he had loved the Howling Commandos back in the day. Only this new family was slightly different. Sam was becoming his closest friend, while Wanda had taken on the role of the younger sister he always wanted but never had. Even Scott, with his off brand humor and enthusiasm for pop culture, had found a place in his circle of trust. Yet, despite this, he felt the sting of absence from several other members of his team. Natasha, Clint, Vision, Rhodes and even Tony. He didn't know if he was ever going to see or hear from the billionaire again, but he hoped he would. He hoped he'd see them all again. Especially the striking redhead, who he harbored a growing fondness for since the day he'd fought side by side with her on the streets of New York. Not a day went by where he didn't check his phone to see if she'd called or messaged. He tried not to dwell on it too much. Clint had said he was struggling to find her after she went underground. Something about a real life Where's Waldo?

The blue-eyed captain hoped with every bone in his super serum body that she was safe. That she was alive and not injured or waiting for him to come find her. It bothered Steve a great deal how he'd left things. It bothered him more than he wanted to admit. He kept playing back that last few moments he'd spent with her. Her smile. The toss of her hair over her shoulder as she faced down those guards in the prison. The victorious sway of her hips. The way she seemed like she was trying to tell him something with those deep green eyes piercing the very depths of his battered soul. Steve swallowed thickly, rocking back and forth on his heels as he continued to immerse himself inside his most private thoughts.

He thought back to a moment in time in DC, when the two of them had sat in Sam's guest bedroom after having survived a HYDRA airstrike. She'd asked him if he trusted her with his life. He said he did. He had meant it at the time - he still did. Yet Steve knew his actions said otherwise. When it had counted most he had let her down. He'd let them both down. He had doubted her intentions for just a moment in the airport when she stood between his and Bucky's escape. It was one of the reasons he'd avoided her the entire battle. He hadn't wanted to fight her; it would eat away at his very being if he had to lay a single hand on her with ill intention. And it wasn't like he thought she couldn't fight back – he'd sparred with her many a time back on base. She could hold her own. She was capable of bringing him to his knees if he didn't maneuver his arm around her in time. And it certainly wasn't as if she wouldn't have forgiven him if he did hurt her. Steve knew that her reaction would be to tease him and tell him it was a battlefield, and just like she had forgiven Clint when he was under Loki's control, she would forgive him too. He could practically see the smirk she would give him in response to his apologies. But ultimately, the truth was; he'd never forgiven himself. Which was why he focused his efforts on Stark and the freakishly agile and sturdy kid from Queens in the spider suit.