Sinful Addiction

XXI

ELENA CASSANO

I was a shadow. I was no one.

I didn't exist past the walls of the Cosa Nostra. And I certainly didn't have a name any longer. I stood under the altar, the intensity of Emilio's deep silver eyes held mine. Something dark and twisted lurched in my heart. Rotting, and clogging every fucking artery in my body.

I repeated the priest's words with determination. I promised myself I wouldn't get lost in the man whose hands were scarred from murder. Yet I knew when he would eventually get between my legs tonight, all of my fucking resolve would fly out window.

That morning, I burned with every fucking bone in my body, my eyes meeting another man's as I repeated the vows.

I kissed my husband on the edge of his lips, ignoring the taste of bile that lurched. I was no longer Elena Cassano. I was Elena Vitiello. I caught a glimpse of my papà who gave me a small nod. Perhaps everything would be all right after all. It wouldn't be so bad loving a madman, would it?

And maybe, he would eventually learn to love me.

Emilio slipped his hand in mine as we walked down the aisle. "Is everything okay? Are you not happy?" He asked me, the comforting squeeze of his fingers against mine.

Was I happy? Of course. Happiness floated in my stomach and veins. The only thing that kept me from floating into a state of bliss was the Russian that seemed to lurk around every time I found myself staring into space.

It felt like a punch to the gut. And I wondered how I could be upset over losing something I never had.

My eyes burned when Vetrov caught my gaze. "I'm perfect." I lied under my breath. And I would be. Eventually.

"How do you do it?" I asked Mamma as soon as Emilio released me into the crowd. He held me against his chest through the party, and only agreed to let me go once I was in search of my family. I had been so worried about his ability to show affection, and now I only wanted him to recoil from my body.

Jesus Christ, I was such a self-sabotager.

"How do I do what?" Mamma asked, her eyes squinting to get a better look at me.

I held her elbow gently and pulled her aside. I didn't need the rest of the crowd listening to our conversation. "How do you pretend you're okay with all of this, Mamma? How do you wake up every day and pretend to love a man you don't know?"

Something warm soaked in her soft eyes. "I'm not pretending."

"Yes, you are." I inhaled a sharp breath and then released her elbow. Grabbing a drink from the tray, I downed the glass of scotch in one drink. "I'll have his children's. Warm his fucking bed. Let him fuck me. I hate it."

"Bella." She grabbed the empty glass from my hand. "I think you've had too much to drink tonight. Maybe you should take a walk or something. Clear your mind before returning to your husband."

My jaw clenched, I shook my head and walked away.

Alessio held me by the elbow, spun me around the ballroom. "What's wrong?" He asked in a low voice. My cousin always had the ability to read me like an open book, and suddenly I hated it.

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me, Elena."

I sighed deeply before I spoke. "How do I get through each day... living a man I don't and can't love?"