Unfortunately Named

Preface

My parents chose the name Uranus Star Stewy for me because 1) Uranus is- and I quote- "is the beautiful name of the Greek deity of the sky" - unquote. That, plus the fact that my eyes are the same blue as the planet.

2) I once again quote- "stars are these gorgeous little things that shine bright through the darkness, like I hope that my daughter will do." Sweet, Mother, but stars are really just big fat balls of gas that need to stay millions of miles away from humans in order for them to stay alive. But it's whatever.

And lastly, 3) Stewy is my father's last name so obviously I'd obtain that as my own last name.

And Uranus is pronounced yer-an-us not yer-anus. My peers seemingly can't grasp this fact. Then again all they can grasp is each other's penises and tits- to put it bluntly. What do you expect from a bunch of hormonal teenagers that probably won't amount to much more than patty-flippers at McDonald's?

Speaking of the reproductive male organ, my brother has also been unfortunate when it comes to names.

Mom and Dad named him- brace yourselves- Dick. You're probably thinking that it's short for Richard. It's not. They named my twin Dick Oak Stewy. According to some stupid baby name book, men named Dick are wise and successful- just not successful in the name department, I suppose. Oak is his middle name because "that is the name of the tree where your mother and I carved our initials in as teenagers." Pretty sappy stuff, right?

But I guess I've struck some gold, recently. Mom and Dad decided to move out of our hometown and to a small town in Florida. This is great, not only because I'll practically be living on the beach, but because not a single person will know my real name.

You're probably thinking "they'll find out sooner or later, Uranus, and then you'll get teased all over again." But I plan to avoid this situation. I'll go by my middle name because quite frankly "Star" is much more preferable than "Uranus."

To keep any teachers from blurting out "Uranus Stewy!" I'm going to speak to each of them at the very beginning of class and explain that I strictly go by Star.

"But won't Dick will tell everyone? And what happens when they find out his name?"

Great questions.

Dick won't speak my name because he knows that if he does, I'll photoshop his face onto a penis and put that photo all over the school. I mean, it's not like I haven't done it before. That's a story for another time, though.

Plus, Dick also has a new nickname. He's going to go by our last name, Stewy. It's probably his best bet considering "Oak" isn't all that much better than "Dick."

So when my brother and I start our senior year at Lincoln Way High, we'll be able to get a fresh start. Hell, if I really wanted to, I could convince everyone that I'm a satanic porn star. Or a crack-addicted nun. But, hey, honesty is the best policy, so I think I'll just be myself.

Well, almost myself- minus the name portion.
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Uranus to the side, yo! The beautiful Emily Osment because why the fuck not. Pretend her eyes are the exact color of the planet Uranus, okay?

I just kinda wrote this on a whim, so let's see where it can go, yeah?

Enjoy the preface. Chapter one- soon to come!!

Question of the chapter: Who's your favorite actress?

My answer: Jennifer Lawrence because she is perfection 😍