To the Moon and back

chapter four

It's moving day, all the bustle around the house cause I don't want to forget anything. I've had so many mixed feeling about leaving to go back to my home town. I'm terrified to he that close to my ex again. The distance from here to there was what has been keeping me sane,  keeping my feelings underground. This journey is going to be harder than I could ever imagine. As my dad and I finished packing up the uhaul I turned to my aunt with tear filled eyes. I knew this was going to be hard on her also, we have had out late night discussions about the pros and cons of this move. And about our fears of what's to come in the near and far future. As we embraced it felt like my heart was being torn between both places I now call home, both families needed me and I needed them.

As we pulled back with lots of hesitation and reluctance, we said out goodbyes and hopped in the uhaul. My sad started the engine and looked at me with worried tracing his eyes. And ask if I was okay. All I could do it tell him I will be okay, I always am. As we started our treek back home we had our music list going and just talking about my fears with xaine being closer to the girls and him being able to see them on the weekends. I was so tired from the earlier events I decided to take a cat nap, and asked my dad to wake me up when we got to the next stop. With the roar of the truck and wind in my ears I dosed off in to my own purgatory.

Dreaming
I was sitting on the bed on our room at the old house, the walls surrounding me in a deep blue paint and the smell of my incense burning. I was scrolling through Facebook when the girl I know as Danielle messaged me. She was sending me screenshots of her and xaines conversations. I couldn't believe the things he was saying to her, kept tell her he never truly loved me and just used me for easy piece of ass. As I was finishing up the last picture he entered the room and closed the door. He looked at my face and could read that something was up. There was so many emotions going through me in the matter of seconds, pain,sadness,hurt, disbelief , disgust. I started to shake from the rush of emotion and adrenaline that had entered my blood stream. I got up from the bed and asked him if I could see his phone. Of course he said no and asked why I wanted it, I informed him that I knew about what he was saying about me to his side piece. He got so angry, as I watched his pupils dilate, something in me was screaming for me to run. Why didn't I listen, why didn't I move and just leave the room. Instead tears clouded my vision as I asked him why I was not enough for him. Why did he have yo have others involved, I love him and all his flaws and was still here after everything. All he did was stare at me with a snarl lacing his lips and yelled "you'll never be enough". Everyone ask what words broke you, those did. My heart shattered and he closed in on me, he wrapped his hands around my neck and proceeded to stare into my eyes and began to strangle me. I tried to fight him off of me but as the most beautiful of Starz came into my vision. I lost feeling in my hands and feet as they started to go numb and my vision started to go black. This is it I thought ,this is how I die. Please dad don't cry to much for me, please family see me as a celebration of life other than death. Such sweet death.

I awoke leaping in my seat gasping for air, such sweet air. My hands went straight to my neck to massage the past pain away. My dad asked me if I was okay and all I could think is that I don't think I'll ever be truly okay. Yet I managed to say that I was okay and that it was just a bad dream  I wish that was all it really was, Just a bad dream. I hated that my dreams were strictly about him and the torture that I sat through. All of the horrifying memories were coming back and flooding my brain and nerve endings. I felt like I was always on high alert, armed and ready for the worst to happen nowadays.

As we reached dad's house i was exhausted and mentally drained I just wanted the day to end. We pulled the uhaul in the driveway and began to unload all of my stuff, my girls clothes that was packed in a hurry in trash bags from the day that I escaped my own prison. My heart sank, I tore them from something they had no understanding of and took them across the state to for freedom. And now I'm closer to that cell then I ever wanted to be again, I know that I'm never going back to him but I'm also aware that he won't stop at anything to try and get me back. My walls stand taller than the gates to heaven and made of steel, no one will be aloud in unless I say so, no amount sweet talking or good looks will be their success to get to me. My heart is made of gold yet wrapped in the sharpest of barbed wire, now is my time to grow.