To the Moon and back

chapter nine

Dream
I turned my head from side to side as if waking up from a daze. The body feeling to foreign I knew this wasn't me. I took a deep breath to find the scent of musk and male. It was cold I was cold and could find the covers. Where am I? Who am I? As I arose from the bed the tan colored blanket laying tangled beneath me. Metal that was a different shade of blue and the walls were white. My heart was racing it was loud, so loud like there was dozens of people outside the door I was looking at. A blue door with a small window just big enough to look through to see outside of it. As I stood to go look through the window I felt a longing to the depth of my soul, a need to be out of here. With my hands placed on each side of the window the lights were so bright it took a minute to adjust. Why am I here? Who am I dreaming of?
Awake

The buzz of my alarm on my phone going off pulled me from the strange dream that I was having. Who was that? In my heart and soul I already knew for some reason I had known exactly who it was that I was dreaming about. My senses always brought me the truth ,even if it took awhile to grab on to. But I didn't want to assume because what are the chances of that happening ,I've always somewhat doubted my own intuition. I knew he wasn't telling me everything ,but I wanted to wait to earn his trust. He didn't have to be completely honest with me ,we were talking but I know somethings people like to keep to themselves. I've had dreams of him before ,but nothing this close to actually feeling him ,all of him. The emotions, the need and the surrender all in one.

As I sat up in bed the cool air around me striking my skin and awkaing me from my deep restless slumber. I was not ready to be awake I just wanted to lay in bed all day and be wrapped up like a burrito. I turned my head to find my oldest laying all spralded out in the bed, she has always taken up just about the whole bed. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself to how damn cute she is. My little girl understood so many things in this world, things I wasn't ready for her to know of , conversations I wasn't quite ready to have with her. I remember the fear that would course through my veins everytime he got angry. She lived to see so much from him, the tears that she wiped from my eyes and the soothing words she would speak to me. Her soul is so pure, I should have left sooner, to protect her better. My heart aches everytime I think about it. The trauma shows on her face when anyone starts to yell or get angry around her. I never put my hands on her, I want her to feel comfort and safety in my touch. I don't like to yell at her, it breaks my heart everytime cause I know what it triggers in her. I hope with time she will heal or just forget, I hope to heal the wounds he caused in her heart and soul and raise her to be the woman I know that she can be.

While I moved her hair out of her face and ran my finger through her hair I whispered "it's time to woke up babygirl." Her sleepy eyes and stretch always makes me smile, my princess waking from her peaceful slumber. Peaceful is the way I would like her to be everytime and all the time, but I know that the older she gets the more she will change. As I got my youngest up and changed for the day to be started,she dressed herself. I could feel a change in the atmosphere, something is going to be different. With my mind stuck on what carlos could possibly have to tell me, I could feel the fear on him ,he told me that he doesn't want to loose what we have just because of the information he has to tell me. He means much more to me than he could possibly come to terms with right now. I'm not sure there is anything that will change my feelings for him.

As the day went by I played out so many senerios in my head of just what it might be that he needs ti tell me. I wish I could calm his heart and fears of the fact that he is afraid it'll change how I feel about him. At first I thought maybe he is married or just not fully divorced. Maybe he isn't really living in the state? I had so much going through my mind I just dropping the dishes at work and handing out the wrong things. Just breath Ashley it can't be that bad, either way I know how I feel about him and that's not going to change. As the evening grew near I felt myself getting restless, I needed to know what was up. My stomach has been in Knotts all day thinking of all the crazy things it could be, even the very unlikely ones. With my music playing in my headphones I kept listening to the song he had sent me, sextasy. It made me smile and relax everytime, God how music turns my moods around and speaks my words for me when I can't get them out.

While night time covered the sky in starts and clouds with a full moon shining down on the earth. It spoke the mood that hung in the air, mystery and silence, the feel of need and already maybe knowing what it is he has to tell me. As I awaited his call like I always do, just to here his sensual greeting "Hey babygirl,what are you doing." Something so simple brought so much calmness to my soul and lit a fire in my veins. Hot enough to thaw the coldest of hearts and make need spread around my groin. Awakening a long forgot beast that I suppressed and forgot to feed to keep it tamed. If only he knew exactly what he did to me with those words,those sexy fucking words, it turns my sexuallity so primal everytime. With the moon high in the sky and the Starz twinkling in there own little space, I thought to myself I wonder if we are looking at the sky tonight together. I want to lay in the grass with him and stare at the moon and count the Starz together. Admiring their beauty while our finger made their way through eacher others hair and tracing out the figures of our bodies wrapped around either. So close there isn't anything left to question how much we want each other, a need and hunger to deep with every glance into our eyes, we would make the porn Starz themselves shy away with our intensity.

While I sat on my bed and listen to my music I awaited his call. He always calls a little before 10 or a little bit after 10 at night. It is now half past and I was starting to worry that he was ghosting me out of fear. Please carlos it's can't be as bad as you think, I can handle whatever it is that you have to tell me. As I closed my eyes I counted in and out three breath to try and relax and not assume he wasn't going to call. With the last exhale on its way out my phone lit up and didn't even have the chance to fully ring before I awnsered the call. "Hey" he said and I knew he was bracing himself for the worst, already starting to lock me out of let me into that delicate heart I just wanted to kiss and help piece back together. "So are you ready to tell me?" I asked him, I slight pause and the sound of him taking a deep breath and exhaling. "Okay so I'm in prison, and I will understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore cause either know how you feel about lying." So abrupt and a rush of all kinds of feeling swormed my mind clouding my words from forming and making their way out of my mouth. The main feeling that stayed was hurt, not by the fact that he was locked away,but because I wouldn't be able to hold him in my arms or feel his hands in mine. I laughed and then I felt the urge to cry I needed to get off the phone so I could breath for a minute. "Can you give me 15 minutes?", " your not going to tell anyone are you?" He asked. Damn why did that hurt more than what he had just told me. The trust I wanted to see there I knew was going ti take time, but I would never try to get him in harms way or rat him out like that. I wanted him ,I needed him. I wanted to make him mine with time.

I soon came to realize that we were kinda like the joker and harley quin. And I told him that, I'm not going anywhere, him being in there didn't change how I felt about him at all. If anything it just made me want him more. I must be completely crazy, but I didn't care, i knew exactly who i wanted no matter the circumstances. With my heart racing in my chest and the sound of him relaxing and calling me a crazy ass. I could help but smile I never cease to amaze him in so many ways. I always tell him to expect the unexpected from me cause I'm an odd ball in this family of mine. While telling him about how I felt my pussy started to pulse, also what we called the heartbeat. How could she possibly want attention right now, damn how I was so turned on at the moment , I couldn't help the thought of him railing me from behind while spanking my ass hard enough to leave his mark on me. I want his marks everywhere, trails leading to the most fuckable sensations. God the sounds my pussy would make for him would make the ocean jealous of us. Having his hands embedded in my hair pulling me to him while he whispered in my ear how good of a fucking girl I was for taking he cock deep in my pussy. Damn the images causing me to pool between my thighs and clench for relief. So I told him "damn talk about a heart beat" and he knew exactly what I was talking about. "Are you seriously getting turned on right now?" He chuckled and all I could do is say yes. With the conversation light and now peaceful while is et his mind at ease I could feel my heart twinge on how he was making his way in. My walls are coming down quicker than I had imagined and I wanted to see where out journey would take us, we are our own Joker and Harleigh Quinn.