To the Moon and back

chapter eight

Flashback
The rising in my ears reminding me that he is still there. I was in the bathroom with the door locked and the drawer pulled out so he couldn't get in if he managed to get the door open. I sat there on the toilet with the lid closed holding my daughter Olivia in my arms to protect and distraction her from what was going on. She was only a year and a half at the time this happened. I had my phone playing cocomelon for her to watch so she wouldn't get scared. As my tears stained my face and my hand shook with fear I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to call my dad to come get us, but I've done that to many times and have just come back to this he'll hole. He always knew exactly what to say and promise, and I was stupid to believe it everytime. He would scream through the door " I'm not angry, why the fuck do you have to hide in there everytime." What he wouldn't say I'd what caused me to get protective of my babygirl. It always started with his temper, and drinking then he would throw things around the room and hit the walls making the number of holes go up. He never cared who was in the room when he threw his fits that's why I'm in here now, so my daughter wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. With my girl in my lap her eyes met mine and I saw fear and concern, my little girl should never have that look in her eyes. She put down my phone and placed her hands on my cheeks and said breath mommy, everything is okay, just look at me and breath with me. I couldn't help the sadness that consumed my already grief of the situation. I always did that with her when she started crying during a fit or got upset about something. I wanted her to feel safe with me and that she could talk to me about anything. As the pounding stopped I think he finally left the house. This fucking he'll hole of a place turning to be our own prison.
End flashback

As I was snapped back to reality by the wave of my friend Jesse's hand. I didn't realize that I was struggling to breath, why did this have to happen now of all places. With my hands shaking and the chill running up my spine I started to whimper. Jesse realized that I was having a panic attack and moved me to the walk in. The cold would be a sensory thing and help my through it. He left me be ,breath in, breath out, feel the tears run down my face. Letting the past pain out and to be dealt with, so much I have suppressed, buried behind layer after layer of walls. My concrete was wearing thin nowadays, the attacks more frequent and controlling. I wish these would stop, God make it go away, I don't want to be like this anymore.

The feel on my phone buzzing reminded me that I was in a safe place, as I reached for it and clicked on the screen it was carlos. I felt a spark way down deep in my soul of relief and excitement. He was everything I wished to have in my life and so much more. I could tell he wasn't going to be open about much, unless I won his trust and for me it'll be the same. I can't just tell anyone what I've been through, it was hard enough for me to even talk or think about. Almost as if the devil himself had it out for me, the unforgiven nighmares and memories I'll always have with me. I wanted to get to know carlos soul, his heart and his mind. I wanted to reach to the darkest depths of his life and pull him from whatever turmoil he has lived through. But most of all I wanted to let him in, it felt like his finger tip was brushing against my soul, caressing and helping heal the damaged parts and soothing the tears, bandaging what was broken into pieces.

Our late-night phone calls and talking about nonsense along with just everything and anything. He would listen and I would listen, no judgment passing between us, just understanding that life hurts sometimes and we all make mistakes, we are only human. His voice sounds like the finest of velvet, so sensual and calming. Full of so much mystery and balance to my always wavering world. The sound of his voice stirred erotic scenes to flood my brain and cause a thunderstorm to explode between my thighs. Making me clench my thighs to find some form of relief  by just the sound of his voice he was touching me in more ways then anyone has ever done before. Taking his time to memorize everything about me,as I did the same. While we would talk on the phone I pictured his smile, it was as bright as a thousand startz and his laugh like the sound of rain during a storm, calming, soothing and covering all my senses to strike them like a lightning bolt of sexuallity. As my soul called out for hid in the brush of ecstacy and security, I felt a unspoken bond start to form. I wanted to be only his and him be only mine, this might be crazy but I've never wanted someone so badly I my life. My heart leaped to be intertwined with his along with our bodies not giving room for any discussion, not just sex but like the strongest cord that can be made, if separated they are weak, with him we could be invincible.

I feel so wrapped up in him, his peace to mu storm, I await his calls and messages like my own dose of dopamine. He is tye drug I crave day in and day out, he excites me I ways I didn't know was even there before him. Even when my fears cloud my mind that I won't be enough he is there to fight them off. I fear that my demons from my past will ruin our precious bond we have building. The fears and anxiety of my past traumas and violence making it hard to believe him when he compliments me. No one has given me compliments without it being a crude joke. I can't help the smile that envelopes my face when talking to him, and the joy that floods my heart. His way with words leave me stumbling for my own at times, please shoot mistake my silence for not liking what you said to me, I'm quite cause you took my words away and left me breathless.

I find myself getting attached very quickly,alot faster then I imagined. No matter how hard I try to pump the brakes on myself ,I find that I have already crashed. A full head on collision into him, I want him to myself, all of him, I don't want him to anyone else's. My territorial feeling bubbling up within me before I've even asked him to be mine and only mine. I want him, I need him, I crave the fuck out of him.