EJ

Chapter 13: my decision

I reflected on my father's revelations.

I'd never thought of my mother as a bad person. It's just that she was a social animal; she loved being with and around other people.

I'd always felt that she had never seemed to have much time for me, but using hindsight and being honest, I have to admit that I made little effort to engage more closely with her. I always found Dad to be better company and easier to talk to. We used to have a lot of fun together, right up until puberty hit me.

From what Dad had been saying, it appeared to me that he had pretty much forgiven Mum, so perhaps that was it. As he had suggested, it was time to move on.

There was something else I was beginning to realise. My father preferred me as a girl. Of course, I knew that he would never say that out loud, that he would not try to influence my decision, but it was there . . . and I liked it. Me being a girl seemed to make it easier for us to show our affection for each other. He was a terrific Dad - ha! definitely no longer a bastard.

Eva was also trying to be neutral, saying that she would love me either way. She's just fabulous and I wanted to believe her, but she had never known me as a boy, so I still held a modicum of fear as to what would happen if . . .

I sat looking at myself in the mirror. My dark wavy hair was now quite long and was hanging down either side of my face and past my shoulders. I was wearing only light make-up, as I mostly did. I was a seventeen year old girl sitting there worrying about my looks as maybe most teenage girls did from time to time.

My doctors had recommended a couple of small tweaks (facial feminisation surgery) and I was thinking that I'd better arrange to get them done when I saw them for our regular appointment next week.

I pulled a face at myself in the mirror. I wasn't ugly, was I? But was I pretty enough? Or was I a bit on the plain side, something of a washout? Oh, don't be a stupid bitch. If the beautiful Eva fancies you, then you must be a reasonably attractive chick . . . and those 'tweaks' should help.

But how was my body developing? I think I had stopped growing taller which was good. I was a fairly tall girl now, just a fraction taller than Eva, and that was fine. I had quite a slender body, and my arms and legs were a decent shape. I hoped my boobs would grow some more though, say to about the same size as Eva's. She had a great pair, just the right size. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

Perhaps I should try a different hairstyle. I liked my hair, but maybe a change . . .

Suddenly, I laughed, that 'decision' about my gender. There was no decision to be made. I was a girl, that was it, end of story.

Eva and I survived the year at our new schools and I 'came out', that is, my open, or public acknowledgement that I was a transgender female.

However, before I went further with my treatment, I had some of my sperm frozen. Eva and I wanted to have kids, so just in case the hormones weakened my output too much . . ."

Our parents, Nerida and Brody, kept in touch with each other - 'keeping an eye on you two' they called it. I sometimes wondered how they found time; to me, they both seemed to be borderline workaholics.

The following year, Eva launched into her sports career - cricket and netball. I continued my music studies though I was now heading more towards being a jazz pianist than a concert pianist.

There were other developments as well. Let my love tell you about what happened on her home front.