Petal [h.s.]

TWENTY-EIGHT - DREAMING OF YOU

The last few days had been pure hell.

My vagina, who very much had a mind of her own, decided she wouldn't be satisfied with anyone other than Harry.

I gave myself one day, one whole day, to grieve Harry and his dick and then I decided I was moving on with my life. I couldn't sit around and fantasize about him forever, it wasn't fair and it wasn't right. But after my one day of grieving, I invited a guy over that I'd hooked up with on occasion and I couldn't go through with it. My body wasn't reacting to him. Which was completely unfair, because the anniversary of a terrible day in my life was quickly approaching and sex was my favorite coping mechanism. I wasn't anticipating my vagina turning into the Sahara desert at the worst possible time, but here we were.

So instead of sex, I threw myself into work. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't have Finn to distract myself with and I couldn't get wet without thinking about my infuriating neighbor. I didn't want to be in my own body when the day finally rolled around. I wished I had the choice to shut everything off, but I didn't. I thought maybe if I overworked myself, I'd get through the day. I'd survive it.

When that day finally came, I still hadn't seen Harry once. I was avoiding him, of course, but a delusional and crazy part of me expected him to show up at my apartment door regardless. I expected to at least see him hanging on his balcony when I was, ready to torture me. I could have used the distraction of fighting with him to keep my mind from wandering to what happened to me four years ago on this day.

Finn called me from the Pink Couch after my shift at the shop ended.

"How ya holding up, Belly?" He asked me quietly.

I sighed quietly, shaking my head, "I'm okay. Easier this year than last."

"You have any nightmares last night?" He asked.

"Yeah, but it's okay. I'm managing." I said, tilting my head slightly, "You gonna be home late tonight?"

"Yeah, probably not 'til about 4. You want me to come check on you when I get in?" He asked, his voice all soft and soothing in a way that I deeply missed.

I wanted to say yes, but I knew I couldn't. Things were so different between us now. He rarely asked me for my reasons anymore and he used to do it every day. It was like we didn't know how to interact with one another with my feelings for him out in the open. We didn't know how to be just friends anymore. It frightened me. I knew I was slowly losing him.

"No, that's okay. I'll be alright." I said after a long moment of silence, frowning as I looked down at the ground, "Is it bad that... sometimes... I still miss him?"

Finn let out a small sigh. I knew that he hated hearing those words out of my mouth. There was nobody in the world that he despised more than my ex-boyfriend or the mere mention of him.

Luca was Finn's best friend before he was my boyfriend. He was a Highlander-lived in a nearby city, but spent his summers vacationing here with his ridiculously rich parents. He was a very specific type of Highlander. His parents were rich, but not snobby, and they encouraged his creative freedoms. He was a drummer in a pop-punk band that was now much too famous for my liking. When I met him, he had just joined the band and they weren't anywhere close to fame. He was just a goofy, funny, sweet guy who had a bit of a drinking problem.