Happy Hour (A Romantic Comedy)

Chapter 10

Olivia and Cara are friends I made in one of my first jobs after leaving uni. Not the aforementioned disastrous sales one - obviously I wasn't there long enough to make any friends - but the next job I found after that, in a call centre.

We had all loathed it. Hated the shift patterns, the pay, the callers. Being on the phone for nearly eight hours each day gave us raspy voices, and usually at least one of us cried every day thanks to an angry customer. But we found a lasting friendship bond in each other that had lasted the best part of ten years.

We've all obviously moved on since in terms of career; Olivia is now an office manager in a law firm and Cara ended up going into teaching. They've also been a bit luckier in the relationship department than I have; Cara has been married for a few years now and Olivia is engaged. Sometimes I think they are relieved not to have my love life and numerous jobs but they've both admitted to me in the past that they're jealous of my numerous trips away.

To be fair, that is the best part.

We order a bottle of prosecco while we peruse the menus. We're in a new Italian restaurant which has not long opened in the city centre and it's had rave reviews, so I'm quite torn over what to get. I've just narrowed it down to three different starters and two mains and am making my final cuts when Olivia asks the question I've been anticipating - and dreading - since I sat down at the table. 

You know what that question is, of course.

"So how's the love life?"

I shrug faux-casually. "Nonexistent, as per," I say lightly, tipping some more fizz down my throat.

"Oh come on, there's nobody on the horizon?" Cara seems disbelieving. To be fair, both ladies are my biggest champions and seem to think i should be fighting the fellas off but nothing can be further from the truth. 

I think non-single folk sometimes forget what it's like to actually be single. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's actually quite sparse and dry, or the parts that might look greener are actually just a trick of the light. 

I know what's coming next too. 

They don't start on it straight away; we deviate from the topic for the starters and it's only when we're onto the mains that they start on their single friend outreach programme again.

I'm prepared for it though; I always am. You see, my friends both have previous black marks on their records regarding this topic. 

Just give me a minute; you'll see. 

I quietly chew my lasagne and wait for it to begin. 

"Declan has a few single friends, are you sure you aren't interested in being set up with someone?" Cara prods me. I shake my head. 

"Nope, definitely not. Remember that time you tried to set me up with that guy you worked with?" 

Cara visibly winces. "Again, I'm sorry about him. He seemed so nice and normal."

"Yeah, I thought so too, until he got way too drunk and got up on his chair and started serenading the whole restaurant." Even the memory of it still makes me blush.

"And then fell off the chair," Olivia laughed, splashing more prosecco into our glasses and gesturing to one of the waiters to bring us another bottle. She doesn't need to feel embarrassed or guilty about that one because she wasn't there and she didn't set it up. 

However...

"And don't get me bloody started on the time you sat me right next to that weirdo at your dinner party," I say darkly to her. "He told me Boris Johnson was his role model, for fucks sake." I shudder. "And then he started asking me about my favourite sex positions. His was apparently one called 'The Chairman'. I don't even want to know."

"Oh yeah, sorry about that." It's Olivia's turn to screw her face up. "Thank goodness he wasn't my boss for long."

"So I think you'll both understand that I don't really trust either of you to set me up again. No offence."

They both nod meekly. I smile widely at them and take a big swig out of my glass, ready to hit them with my latest ridiculous anecdote.

"Now, with that out the way, let me tell you all about how I ended up hiding behind a bush to avoid my teenage crush last weekend…"