Midnight Dreams

If that's not enough

I was born as the firstborn in the house of Black, raised to become the heir of their dreams.

I never wanted that.

So I left, but not after I was disowned.

I remember it like it was yesterday, probably because it was, but the most heart-breaking part of it was not my mother yelling at me, nor was it my father sitting there expressionless on the sofa, but it was the face of Regulus's that haunts me to today.

His face as my mother yelled, his face as she raised her hand, his face as she disowned me, and his face as I left.

It is engraved in my memory.

My younger brother's words to me as I left, broke me further.

"I won't go with you. Someone in this family has to be the heir, and if you won't, then I have to. So leave. Leave as the disappointment of this house as you have grown to become." He told me expressionless.

And as much as I hate to say it.

He reminded me of our parents in that moment.

It made me think. Did I fail him as his elder brother, his only brother?

I've been staying at the Potter's house for now. They've graciously welcomed me in and I can't express my gratitude to them enough.

James, Effy, and Monty tell me to make myself at home, I don't have to try, it just feels like home, more than at my house. The atmosphere is so much brighter here.

They actually look like they love each other, like they're a family.

How would Regulus and I have grown up like if we were raised in a house like this?

I imagine we wouldn't have separated no matter what, like when I separated myself from Regulus after he was sorted into Slytherin. I'll remember that moment for as long as I live.

I was so scared when the hat announced he was in Slytherin. I was scared that he would be like our parents, but that fear in itself may have made him turn out like this.

I'm not innocent in all this. I know that.

I wish we were still kids.
I wish Regulus still looked up to me.
I wish I still protected him no matter what.
I wish I stood by his side.

All I can do now is hope that he stays healthy and alive.

But he didn't.

News traveled one day, Regulus Arcturus Black was dead. My little brother, died, before me.

My little brother, who I should've protected with all my heart was dead and I couldn't do anything.

We haven't talked to each other in a few years and he had just turned 18 while I had finished my years at Hogwarts and was now out in the world.

I thought he was alright.
I thought everything was okay.
I shouldn't have presumed, I should've checked.

The last news I had received about him was that he had joined the death eaters, slowly climbing the ranks with my parents orders.

I suspect that he died for them.

But I can't help think it was my fault.

If I stayed in line my whole life.
If I kept quiet and did what I was asked.
If I stayed and never left.

Would he still be here?

Deep down in my heart, I know that he would be.

I would've taken on the role as the heir.
I would've joined the death eaters on my parents command.
I would've risen in the ranks with their insistence.
I would've been able to protect my brother.

He would've been in a relationship.
Gotten married.
Had children.
Died happy.

Was he happy?
Did he give up his life with a smile on his face?
I would never known.
Not until I met him again.

Not until I died.

Was this my penance?
Is this what it'll take for the world to forgive me?
Is this what it'll take for Regulus to forgive me?

If that's not enough, he can take everything.

Take my body, my heart, my soul.

Just please.

Let me see my brother again.

It seemed the world listened.

I was now slowly dying, at the age of 36 after leaving Azkaban, after meeting Moony again, after seeing my godson once again, after I became happy.

My cousin had hit me with the killing curse, causing me to fall into the veil behind me.

I felt myself getting pulled, before my vision blurred.

I felt myself being torn.

I was dying and I knew.

But I left with a smile.

I would be seeing my brother again.
Everything was fine.
So why did I feel so upset?

Was it because I was leaving Moony again?
Was it because I was leaving Harry?
Or.
Was it because I didn't know whether I would even be in the same place as Regulus?

If the afterlife is unpredictable.

I hope the universe hears me and finally let me reunite with my brother.

For that, will be enough.