Midnight Dreams

Confused, Conflicted, Unsure

I don't feel like myself.

I feel trapped.

I'm not bad.
I'm not good.
I'm just me.

I've made no difference in anyones lives, so what use am I?

My sister, Petunia, was the only normalcy I had before I was thrown into the magic world of Hogwarts, I couldn't breath.

I was suffocated by the expectation of the world around me.

My parents were proud.
My sister was disgusted.
Severus was ecstatic for me.

But what did I feel?

I don't know.

I'm not sure anymore.

Should I be happy?
Happy that I was leaving?
Should I be sad?
Sad that I was leaving?

I didn't know what I was feeling.

I'm confused, conflicted.
Like always.

That's just me isn't it?

Lily Evans, always unsure.

Like when I was unsure if I should be friends with Severus.
Like when I was unsure if I should talk to those four boys on the train.
Like when I was unsure if I should accept James's constant proposals.
Like when I was unsure if I should remain friends with Severus.
Like when I was unsure if I should participate in the war.
And just like now.

When I'm unsure of what I should do.

Was I supposed to take Harry and run?
There was no way out though, he's blocked our exit.
Was I supposed to hide?
If I did and we were caught, we would both be dead.

So I choose what I thought I should do right there.

I would protect my son.
The child I only had a year to raise with my husband, who had now been killed.

The fool that left his wand behind, sure that it was merely a child at our door. He was severely mistaken and now he was gone.

His last words yelling at us to run as he held him back.

No matter how much of a fool he was, he was still James Potter. The fool who loved me since the moment he met me, refusing to waver whenever I would refuse his proposals. The fool who protected us to his last breath.

I hugged Harry tight as I laid a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you so Harry, we love you so so much." I whisper before I lay him back down into his crib.

His tears profusely falling down his face as he looked at me. He could sense something was wrong, even for a one year old.

I turn as fast as I can towards the door, locking the door of the nursery, quickly realizing that my wand was not in my hand nor anywhere around me, the door was now the only barrier between the two of us and him in this moment.

The door soon breaks open, shards of wood flying through the air along with a ray of green light.

He was here.

If I had been more prepared.
If we had the invisibility cloak.
If I had protected him better.

We would be happy together in the living room, relieved we survived, but that didn't happen.

Harry's cries echo through the room as the man casts his forbidden spell.

I fall down onto the floor with a fatal blow.

Tears fall down my own face as I watch him getting closer to Harry.

I try to yell, move, anything, but I can't.

I watch and watch until my vision blurs, the pain finally reaching my heart as it begins to slow.

With a sliver of light left in my eyes, I see him cast the same spell towards my son and in the next moment, I can no longer see.

The only thing I have left is my sense of hearing.

And I use it as much as I can, holding on as I go in and out of consciousness until I finally hear Harry's cries once more.

The same cries that broke my heart every night and day as he grew were now the ones that comforted me in my last moments, how cruel of me.

But as he continues to cry, my last remaining sense dulls until it is no more, and soon, I stop breathing all together.

So I remained just that didn't I? I remained the confused and conflicted Lily Evans.

From the moment I was born to the moment I died.
The confused and conflicted Lily Evans was now no more.

I had died too young to be an adult, too old to be a child.

Who was I?

Just Lily Evans.