Midnight Dreams

Him and I

I did not expect this outcome.
I had fallen in love.
So in love that I have that disgusting mushy feeling whenever I see him.

How is it that I, Regulus Black, could fall so deeply in love with someone I could've cared less about?

He's talkative.
He's cheerful.
He's perfect
He's intolerable.
He's just there, always on the sidelines.
He's my James Potter.

I'm his best friend's brother, no one could care less about me.
What has the world come to?

I've become accustomed to being on the side, staring at my brother who had everything he wished and everything he wanted.

I really should've been happy for him and been satisfied with it, but I wasn't.

So how'd I fall in love with him you may ask?

Maybe it was his constant attempt to make everyone he saw happy.
Maybe it was his constant need to be the best.
Maybe it was his various attempts to become friends with me.
Maybe it was because he was so similar to me.

In some sort of way, he complimented me and I like to think I did so for him.

Is that why my heart breaks at this moment, just when I've let down all my defenses, things turn out terribly, my happiness will always come last and all I can do is watch.

Watch as my brother made new friends and forgot about me.
Watch as my brother finally got to leave this bloody h*ll that we called home.
Watch as the man my parents held in such high regard k*lled muggles at meetings to teach us a "lesson".
Watch as I break both the heart of the love of my life and mine as I tell him I can no longer be with him.
Watch as he finally finds happiness with someone else.
Watch as everything I had slowly dissolved away from me.

And that's all I can do when the day ends, watch. But as I stand here, with a note I had written in hand, I wait for Kreacher to return.

"Are you sure about this Master Regulus?" He asks, giving me a jacket.
"I am. I don't need that. Thank you for the thought." I tell him.

"I'll be here, waiting for you."
"Alright." I start to walk out, before turning around and handing Kreacher the note.

"Who do you want me to give this to?" He inquires.
"James." I state. "Give it to him if I don't return."

"But you will sire."
"I'm not so sure." I confess with a tight smile. "Once I get the locket. You have to run. Don't look back and go."

Kreacher nods his head hesitantly at what I just told him.

I turned my back on him, swearing that it would be the last time.

Each step I take brings more dread to me than I ever imagined when I first set out to complete this task.

I committed to this. I was supposed to help aid in preventing the Dark Lord from getting more powerful than he already was, so I stole the locket from under his nose, well what was left of it.

I chuckled a bit to myself at my joke. Sirius would be proud.

Sirius...

My brother. I seem to only think of people when I can tell that I'm set to die. This task was a death sentence. I knew that, yet I'm still here.

I hope he's happy.
He deserves to be.

I took a step closer to my destination and my mind goes through everyone I've ever known.

Pandora.
Barty.
Theodore.
Evan.
Sirius.
My James.

I paused. I didn't get to say goodbye.

I shook these thoughts aside and continued on my task.

Drink the water
Destroy the locket
Get back home.
Home to who?
Sirius?
He had a new home now.
James?
No.
He'd move on.
Moved on with Lily.

I can't even be mad. He deserved to be happy.

Merlin. I keep screwing up.

I can't keep thinking of this, of regrets, so I continue walking.

I was walking to my death since I wasn't thinking of the people I cared about, all I did was think about death and, soon, the two became interchangeable.

A few moments passed by after I completed my task, but like I thought would happen, nothing happened the way I wished it would.

I thought that maybe I would've survived and gotten back to have dinner with the people I cared for, but like a lot of things in my life, I'll never get what I want.

As I was pulled down by hands that seemed to anchor me deeper and deeper into the water, I realized that I was always doomed with relationships.

I wanted a good relationship with my parents, they tortured me and my brother.
I wanted a good relationship with my brother, I turned away when he needed me and he was disowned.
I wanted a good relationship with my friends, being a pureblood forced a majority of us to be death eaters and we began to change from how we once were, no longer friends.
I wanted a good relationship with James, but I ruined it by lying and deceiving him so often that he finally decided that he couldn't deal with it if all I intended was to destroy myself.

I couldn't argue with him when he said that.

He was right.

He was always right.

Brilliantly bright James Potter, the love of my life, the man I swore I would put first, the man who put me above everything else, the man who argued with my brother when he found out about our relationship, the man who risked his lifelong friendship to be with me, the man who understood with such an open heart when I told him what disgusting thing I was a part of, the man who swore forever with me until I forced him to leave.

My lungs began to get flooded with water when I could no longer hold my breath, when the claws began to draw blood with each tightening of their grip, I was dying.

Even in moments like these, I can't help but revel in my consistency to mess up at everything.

The only thing that gives me hope about dying is that my brother was finally happy, that my friends were finally happy, and that James was finally happy.

He's always smiling.
He's always bright.
He's always kind.
He's always laughing.
He's just there, cheering everyone on.
He's hers.