Moving into your heart

12. Tears to Jealousy?

We had Lily sleep because she had bawled after emptying three bowls of ice cream. Edward consoled her and put her to sleep. Lily had always been sensitive, but maybe because it had been almost a year since we had all met, she was bit too anxious.

As if it was all planned, which was not the case, everyone made plans for their vacations or their business trips and had been flying for the past year. Lily had just come back after an event that was in the other town, maybe the journey and the tension were stressing her.

"She's fine, but what happened?" Edward asked, not knowing as he never checks his phone and was out in the garden when Lily was crying.

"Check your phone and you'll know", he checked his phone immediately and realized the reason.

"Don't worry, she'll be fine, but I can't assure Sam's safety. Afterall it was his idea to come today so that everyone can come 'slow and safe' instead of rushing", he chuckled.

I could only manage a half smile; I was worried too.

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After the argument...

Lily and Katie had grown distant after the argument three months ago. They had tried to talk and behave normally but it was clearly visible that things weren't the same. Knowing each other for all our lives, we knew that things were changing.

Our smiles, our talks, we ourselves had changed or maybe I had changed.

Maybe I was distancing myself from them because I knew that I had hurt them, that it was my mistake. Apologizing didn't work, they said it was fine but it was not, I felt breathless each time we were together. Not because, they were making me guilty, it was because I knew what was wrong and felt that I didn't deserve them.

They were the people who had been with me in all peaks and valleys of my life, they were a part of my world that was my everything and I had hurt them. My brain could create numerous reasons for my actions but deep down I knew that they were only reasons I was giving for myself to ease my guilt.

Edward was the only one who made me feel that I could still have a normal conversation without the fake smiles and talks, because he was the only one who didn't know anything about it. He never felt that I had changed and neither had he.

I did tell him that I fought with my friends, but he said we'll be fine. He was right, but my brain cells re-watched our fight, they kept replaying it anytime they wanted. My eyes left their taps open whenever the movie played and my nights drowned in those rivers.

Everything was the same, until one day when Edward heard me crying. It was a Saturday night. Lily and Katie had planned to meet up, they did ask me to come, but my guilt said no. It was as if their words said something and their faces another, the fog of guilt had taken away my senses and forced me see negatives.

All that happened after the argument came flooding and I couldn't hold it anymore. The thoughts were hurting, my chest felt constricted, my head and eyes ached due to constant crying. I couldn't stop, I missed them but I was not able to forgive myself.

All I had to do was to talk to them, but I was scared. I was scared that what if they push me away, just like I did? What if I lose what I had now? What if their anger burst out and the left-over bits of our friendship die?

These thoughts had opened the dam and Edward who had come down to drink water heard me. The door was open, he came in after few knocks. I was curled up in my bed. Red eyes, wet cheeks, messed up hair, soaked pillow. I laid like a homeless puppy crying for food on the bed.