Between Never and Maybe

Five.

“I don't believe in fate," she said at last. "But I do believe in... loopholes. I think a lot of what keeps the world going is the result of accidents — happy or otherwise — and taking advantage of these.”
― Robin McKinley, Sunshine

Dahil sa nalate ako nang labas, wala akong choice kung hindi sumakay ng bus pauwi. Napatingin ako sa malulam na langit habang nag-aabang ng bus at bumuntong-hininga na lang sa bigat ng mga naganap ngayong araw. Inayos ko na lang ang hawak sa bag ko at sumakay na lang sa bus.

The whole bus ride was spent in silence, with me trying to process everything that happened today.

"What on earth did I just get myself into?" I hit myself lightly on the head as the memory of the encounter earlier played on.

"Lend me that money, consider yourself winning the bet." I said and his mouth hung open in surprise. Silence overruled as we stared at each other, the September sky looming over us.

But I don't have time to act all dignified. Sa mundong ito, di ka mapapakain ng dignidad.

At kung hindi ka mautak, makikita mo na lang na ninakaw na sa iyo ang buhay mo.

"L-lend?" He stared at me as if I just said the most stupid thing in the world. My knees felt wobbly and I can feel embarassment bubbling up from my system but I shrugged it off. I needed the money.

"Yep, lend. Unless you want to give it to me? Don't worry, hahanap ako ng paraan para maibalik yun sayo. Medyo matatagalan lang." Litanya ko, at bigla akong nahiya dahil parang ang taas ko naman pakinggan. But I swear I almost raised my brow when I saw a ghost of a smile on his face, although it was quickly replaced by a cold expression as he reached his hand out for a shake.

"Expect the money by tomorrow, deal?" I took my hand out and shook his, purposely looking at him dead in the eye.

"Deal."

"Oh Barangay Mimosa! Barangay Mimosa!" Sigaw ng konduktor at nagmamadali akong pumara para makababa. Pasado alas-sais na ng gabi at panigurado hinahanap na ako ni inang. Lakad-takbo na ang ginawa ko at nadatnan ko si inang na binubuksan pa lang ang ilaw ng bahay. I stopped in my tracks para tignan siya at bumigat ang loob ko nang makita kung gaano na siya kahina kumpara sa dati. Her hands were shaking as she pulled the switch for the front lights and her steps were very wobbly and frail.

Your grandmother is diagnosed with lupus.

"Bakit si inang pa?" I muttered as tears threatened to fall out of my eyes. I quickly brushed them away in a futile attempt to hide it pero di ko kinaya. It hurts so much, si inang na ang nakasama ko buong buhay ko at natatakot ako sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari.

And I stood there like an idiot in the bushes, crying.

I managed to calm down and wiped the tears away. Kung mayroon mang kailangan maging matatag sa amin, ako iyon. Inang is getting weak and the last thing she needs is me being weaker. I tried to flash a fake smile and walked towards our house.

"Inaaaaaang!!!! I'm homeeeeeeee~" Lumingon naman siya sa akin at nagtataka habang kinuha ko ang kamay niya para magmano.

"Ano nangyari sayo? Nagkaboypren ka ba o tumama ka sa lotto?" I pouted at her na siya namang ikinatawa niya.

"Inang naman eh! Sa lotto medyo may chance pa. Sa jowa? Ay jusko nevermind." Hinampas naman niya ako sa balikat at nagkunwari ako na masakit at hinimas himas iyon.

"Anong nevermind?! Kung kailangan kitang ibuyo sa mga kaibigan ko na may apo gagawin ko!" Napatawa naman ako sa reaksyon niya, di ko rin alam bakit ba gusto niya na magkajowa ako noon pa.