Beautiful Lives and Tragic Endings

chapter nine

Grayson drove the car back to my home town, straight to the small hospital my Dad was thankfully alive in. I didn't know much more than that. Hazel said the doctors and nurses talked to her, but she didn't understand much. I said it would be better if I were here because I would understand. I don't know why she would expect me to understand. I'm a midwife, not a doctor. But I'd be damned if I didn't try my hardest to understand. I'd try and find or do anything that could help my Dad. The car journey was the worst, all that time I was away from my family started to kill me, each minute we spent on that motorway. I started to think of Max, Hazel, even little Albie. Who was it that found him like that? I wouldn't wish it on anyone to find their father suffering in that state.

Grayson practically talked the entire way, I think he was nervous about driving, but I thank god that he was the one that was there when I got that text. I don't know what happened to me. I usually pride myself on being able to act in emergencies. In fact, I got a 100 on my midwifery emergencies in university. However, after receiving that news, I felt like I was in that room again - delivering that woman's baby... the time when everything went wrong. The time that has led me to start doubting myself as a practitioner. I have to tell myself that my reaction was normal. It's my Dad, after all. How is one supposed to react to that news? Not like that. The intrusive thoughts started to push themselves into my brain, and I hated it, having to battle with myself. You should have jumped up straight away consoled your family. I remember keeping my eyes shut for the rest of the car ride, resting my head against the cold, fogged-up glass. It's like Grayson knew the battlefield inside my head. He would occasionally move his hand from the gear stick and place it on the top of my arm and squeeze, even stroke it. That's just Grayson's way of consoling people. He kept saying things like 'It will be okay, 'you all will get through this and then talked to me about the statistics about survivors of cardiac arrest, the aftermath, treatments, morbidity rates, everything he knew from his adult nursing training - he did work within the A&E department after all. It made me appreciate him more. He only told me the truth. He never once sugar-coated his words. He knew what the future could entail for me. He knew what I needed to hear. Grayson being completely upfront calmed me down. He knew it was what I needed. I like to be prepared. I like to know all of my options. I wasn't quite ready for this, but with Grayson pulling me up to the surface of reality, I knew this was the readiest I could be for any situation.

The hospital walls were covered in colourful murals, pictures of the past in frames, words of encouragement painted large for all to see. Hazel came into view, sitting alone, bouncing one of her legs, hunched over, biting her nails. Her auburn, almost brunette hair was put up messily, stands falling all around her pale, structured face. I could only manage a whisper, "Hazel." She miraculously heard me and jumped straight up. She didn't quite manage to put herself altogether. I could see the anxiousness in her clouded and puffy eyes. She looked nothing like the strong sister I once knew. We both practically ran to each other, hugging one another in a big, strong, emotional embrace. We exchanged no words. I just held her as she gave way under my arms. I could feel her shoulders shake. There has been only one other time I have seen her cry. When we both sat on the bathroom floor, backs up against the door. We sat looking at the positive pregnancy test on the floor. I knew that it wasn't what she planned for. I had only just started my midwifery course at university, so I wasn't much help at all. Hazel was 22, just a year younger than I am now, and I couldn't imagine what I would have done. It makes me admire her that much more. I remember holding her as she placed her head on my legs. I asked her what she was thinking about. She started to cry and said, 'is it stupid that as much as I want an abortion... I want to be as great as Dad by doing this by myself?' I stroked her head and told her she wouldn't be stupid at all, followed by the fact she wouldn't be alone. That was the only time I had seen Hazel cry after mum had left. So this time, just like the last time, I had to be there for her. I fought back my tears and held her in this embrace until she no longer felt like she needed her younger sister. When she finally pulled away, she wiped her eyes and looked at me with so much worry that she tried to hide with a slither of a smile.