Beautiful Lives and Tragic Endings

chapter three

I can hear Grayson's alarm clock ringing in the next room. It's ringing just out of sync with mine. It's half six in the morning, and I want nothing more than to caterpillar myself in the thick white duvet and ignore the world and my job. I press snooze and pray another five minutes of shut-eye will help my situation. I have growing anxiety in my chest thinking about going to work, and suddenly the blankets I once wanted to hide in are becoming hot and claustrophobic. Grayson opens my door and sluggishly drags his feet towards me, and pulls the blankets away from my head. I'm starting to hate him for doing this to me. "Hey sleepyhead, get out of bed, we'll go to work together", he yawns. I can even hear him rub his eyes. I groan in response. Sometimes I wish that Grayson wasn't a nurse that works in the same small hospital as me so I could at least get away with missing a day of work. "Hey, I'm being serious. Get up, or I'll crawl in and join you, and then we'll both be fired for missing work." I absolutely adore the bones of Grayson, but he can be so insistent sometimes it annoys me. His messy mouse-brown hair and light brown eyes make it hard for me to be annoyed at him for too long.

"Is that such a bad thing? I don't even have work. I have a training day," I reply. I know I enjoy being a midwife, but I hate my job, and I especially hate mandatory training. Being in this mindset is not great for me because I think I might actually quit if given a chance.

"Yes, it is Roz. How will you be able to pay for our swanky apartment if you lose your job?" Grayson sounds extra American in the mornings. I part one of my eyes open to look at him. I can see his 5 o'clock shadow coming in; he looks tired.

"You look tired," I say. "Come join me, and we can do nothing all day." I accompany my offer with the biggest puppy eyes anyone has ever seen. Grayson smiles and chuckles under his breath.

"Very, very tempting, Roz, but no, get your lazy ass out of bed, and we can relax later. I'll drive us to and from work if you want." How nice of him to offer since I'm the one who drives us everywhere. Grayson doesn't feel so confident driving in the UK, so for him to graciously offer to drive us to work it's an opportunity that cannot be missed. He takes my hand and helps pull me out of the sanctuary that was my bed. Then, we both go our separate ways and get ready for what I'm guessing will be the longest day of my life.

I'm wearing my official uniform for the first time since graduating; all I wore before were scrubs... I miss the comfort. I'm sitting in the lecture room in a circle surrounded by other midwives and doctors. Some drink their coffee, some with their tea, some even with toast from the breakfast buffet they've graciously put together. Some of them show pictures of their families, some talk about how they couldn't sleep last night, and some talk about how crap the job has become. I don't join in on the conversations. Instead, I eavesdrop and decide what midwives I will avoid for the day. Have you ever heard the saying that all high school bullies become nurses, but not all nurses are high school bullies? Well, it's absolutely true. You can get some characters in this profession. It's best just to avoid them. If you're unfortunate enough to encounter them, just be prepared. I stare out of the window, calming down the storm I feel inside. It's a cold October morning. The leaves are starting to fall, the fog lines the pavement, and the sun has almost finished rising. I think back to these autumn mornings when my dad, Al - would put the fire on and make us all a cup of tea while we sat in the glass conservatory in fluffy blankets. Our black and white Border Collie dog, Olly, would run in circles by the back door begging to be let out so he could play in the newly fallen leaves. The nostalgia is the only thing getting me through this morning.

An older woman walks to the podium and messes around with the microphone before calling for everyone's attention.

"Hello everyone, welcome to 'Neonatal Emergencies', I am Susan, the education practice coordinator, and I'll be leading today's training alongside our paediatrician, Doctor Sam Jackson." My eye's immediately shot to the guy sitting at the front who casually stands from his chair and waves to everyone, greeting them with a big friendly smile before sitting back down again. It's completely different to how I had imagined him to be, not after our first encounter in the staff changing rooms. "As you can see from the PowerPoint above my head," She clumsily points above her head, "this is the schedule for today, and we will start with individual demonstrations from both Doctor Sam and me, so watch carefully" She laughs. I examine her mannerisms as she lectures. She's not a mean midwife that thinks she's better than you because she's higher up the ladder. She's more of a silly, goofy midwife that would help in any situation. "Once we've gone over how you should handle these situations, everyone, please feel free to come down here and show either Sam or me so we can sign you off for that particular skill. Sound good?" Everyone hums in agreement, including me. I stare at the back of Doctor Jackson's head, burning holes into the back of his skull. Why must he be nice to other people but rude to me? My eyes wander down his neck to find his shoulders. Damn, he has some broad shoulders. They even look good being strangled by the baby blue shirt he's wearing. His neck is wide, just fitting into the collar perfectly. A stethoscope hangs around his neck in typical doctor fashion. Everything about this man screams big, bold, friendly paediatrician from the back. I try to peel my eyes away and listen to the presentation. It's not right to start to sexualise your co-workers, Rosie. Especially stupid paediatricians who don't give you the time of day.