The Nanny

23. Ash

Not sure what happened between Gwen and Paige, but there's been a lot more laughter between the two of them in the last few days. It's nice to hear Paige so much happier, and I don't even resent that Gwen seems glued to her sister the minute she gets home. Whether or not Gwen believed me about how she was speaking to Paige, she seems to be more aware of what she's saying and how. I've even heard her apologize a few times when she's said something not particularly nice.

It's the night before Gwen is supposed to leave, and I'm taking her to the train station in the morning with the kids in tow since Paige is working. For ten days, I've been waiting to get Paige alone for enough time to talk about the snog we shared, but the more time that's passed, the more I wonder if she even wants to discuss it. If I'm honest, I've gotten more nervous to bring it up at as well. Might be easier to leave it be since there's been no awkwardness between us. If only I could stop thinking about it and her.

In the other room, Gwen and Paige are talking and laughing about something—I reckon it's Gwen's date from last night. She downloaded a dating app and chose a random British bloke to have a drink with at the pub in the village. Before agreeing, she showed me his profile and asked if I thought he was likely to be a serial killer. Is that really the kind of thing women worry about? Here I am bothered by the small talk and women are, in jest or not, pondering their own murder?

Meeting some stranger for drinks to figure out if I fancy them is my version of hell, but Gwen seemed excited—despite her minor concerns over being murdered. Paige appeared interested in the app, whether that was for show or genuine, I'm not sure. Annoyed me to no end, and I was in a foul mood for the rest of the night. Easy enough to conceal when I can go to my own room to watch telly and sulk.

"Hey," Paige says from the doorway of the kitchen, and I turn to face her from my spot by the sink. I was so caught up in my own thoughts, I didn't hear Gwen go to bed.

"Alright?" I ask, and I sling the tea towel over my shoulder. "How was Gwen's date?"

"Hilarious—one of her skills is crafting a good story out of something not-so-good." She wanders deeper into the room, but she lingers at the counter space furthest from me. "How are you? You didn't seem like yourself last night—disappearing upstairs when Gwen wasn't even home."

Right. Not so easy to conceal, then. Noted.

"Just tired," I say with a shrug. Can't very well tell her the truth in this instance. I was jealous you were thinking about fancying other blokes when I want you to fancy me, isn't something I can saw aloud. Even thinking it seems stupid. We snogged a bit. That's it. Means something to me. Might not mean anything to her.

She bites the inside of her cheek, and I hate how far apart we've grown in the last ten days. Maybe it's good for us in the long run, but it doesn't feel very good right now.

"Did you think anymore about the cake smash or a party for Chloe or anything?"

"Cake smash sounds like a laugh. I can book it and pay for it, if you tell me where."

"My treat. I have it bookmarked already. I just didn't want to do it if you weren't interested."

We stare at each other across the space, and my heart feels so defeated. Ten days ago, I reckon we were right there together, on the brink of something. We're so far from the brink, I can't even see it now. "Are we going to talk about it, or are we just letting it go?"

"Let it go," she says it with more firmness than I'd be able to. "It would be complicated and—"

"Messy."

"We both need this arrangement to work."

I do, but I'm sure she'd have other options lined up if she sacked me. Letting the attraction die is best. Sensible. Keep things in the house neat and tidy between us. Just not quite sure how I kill my wanting.