Dysphoria

All i need is an Angel

!Warning this chapter includes the following!:

Vulgar language

I've always been the best at being sneaky and hiding things, especially from my family. My mother and grandmother are very religious, did I forget to mention strict as well?

I've always been raised to respect my elders, but it's been hard getting older. They always want to treat me like a child and an adult. I can never be just my age. And me talking about my feelings has always been labeled as disrespect.

For a long time, I thought my mother and grandmother did it to protect me but all along it was just to control and manipulate me.

I went to church every Sunday, Bible study every Wednesday, and any fundraiser or event the church had we were there.

I've read the Bible many times and it's straightforward with its sins; no sex before marriage, no drinking, no cursing. But we've all seemed to still commit those sins, including my mother and grandmother.

My mom always made it seem like my father never wanted or needed me, I'm almost an adult now and I think I believe her. Cause for my 17 years of life my dad has never once met me nor have I seen him. Not even a picture. The only thing I knew about my father was that his name was Emery, that's it.

Over the course of a year, I've had a boyfriend, Chaz. He's so special to me. He took my virginity this summer and we've been doing it ever since.

Of course, our family doesn't know cause we both have very religious strict parents. We are surprised they are even letting us date. But they say as long as Chaz promises to marry me and we are under strict supervision we can be together.

It wasn't long until we both figured out how to be sneaky and do things we wanted. One of those ways was at school. I lost my virginity to him in the janitor's close cause he always left it unlocked.

It's not the most ideal place to lose your virginity but when you don't have many options you bear with whatever comes to you.

We also had sex in empty classrooms, under stairwells, at the park, the library bathroom.

Of course, Chaz and I were too shy to buy condoms so every interaction we had was unprotected.

I noticed after summer was over my period stopped coming. I couldn't even remember the last time I had one, it was almost like I forgot I even had one.

Over the course of months, I decided to ignore it until my breasts got bigger and my stomach got swollen and hard. I still never decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn't want anything to ruin my joy of spending time with Chaz.

But even Chaz started to notice how huge my breasts were getting as we were making out one day.

He couldn't help but grab and touch all over them but it was so painful I had to beg him to stop. Chaz felt bad but I don't think he understood, cause I usually liked that.

Fast forward to I think I'm about 6 months and it's early march, I'm a tiny girl and my belly is starting to show more and more.

At this point, I couldn't deny the fact I was pregnant but I still chose to ignore it as if this thing on my stomach was just a tumor.

I live in Texas and it barely ever gets cold here, I've been restricted to hoodies and sweatshirts to hide my stomach but my family is starting to ask questions and so is my boyfriend.

It isn't like me to dress all bundled up all the time especially in March when you live in Texas so I think everyone was growing suspicious around me.

Most days I just wanna stay in my room all day and sleep but I can't cause I have school and other church activities. Today was a long day and it seems like each day gets harder and harder as my belly gets more swollen and big. I don't know how much longer I can hide my stomach.