This is Going to End in Disaster

"Great. Who invited Captain Buzzkill?"

For Snek, my beloved! Pls enjoy this disaster of a fic I have concocted in your honor.

Wade was going to die.

Of shame, to clarify.

There was nothing in heaven, earth, hell, space, Asgard or even the multiverse that had successfully wiped his sorry ass from existence – barring maybe a few 'What If' comics out there that went as far as complete earth extinction.  But the earth wasn't exploding this time around, and Wade wasn't even in that much pain aside from the blood rushing to his head.

It was the shame of getting jumped while on a food run that was going to do him in. By a bunch of kids who looked like they should still be in high school, no less.  Maybe they were still in high school. The building they dragged him into looked of the academic type, and all of the kids rushing to and fro wore matching school uniforms. Carrying black chalk, and large dusty books, and – ooh, were those home-made candles? Gotta appreciate the dedication, you rarely came across such hands-on tom foolery.

"I need to pee." He told this to one of the girls standing closest to him. Her other witchy friends – they were witches if you weren't catching on, minus brooms, cats, and warts – and were following her orders, setting up candles, and writing exorcist circles all over the floor in thick black chalk. It was such nice dark wood too.

She was calling the shots so Wade assumed she was the manager he went to if he had a complaint.

"Hold it," the girl said, whipping her dark ponytail around as she looked up at him. They had suspended him from the ceiling in a twisting trap of glowing purple chains.

"How can I hold it if you don't unchain me?" He answered matter of factly.

Little Miss Witch rolled her eyes, "We may be young, but we weren't born yesterday."

"Yeah, well, if you don't unchain me, you're going to be wet TODAY. Or at least your nice little circle down there will be. Would hate to mess up all those lovely satanic symbols. Also, I was promised food, and I have zilch. Maybe you guys should work on your bedside manners before you start kidnapping well-meaning mercenaries off the street."

"Are you sure we even need him?" Another tike grumbled, this one with pale white skin, red hair done up in pigtails and a face smattered with freckles.

Little Miss Witch sighed, rubbing her forehead with both hands as if she could just not with her right now. "Yes, Wendy! We need him. Do you know what would happen if we tried to summon Shikla without her heartmate here as a bargaining chip? She'd tear us limb from limb, and I'd let her start with you!"

Wade perked up, craning his neck, "Whoa - whoa, far be it me from telling anyone what to do, but what do you need my sexy-sexy demon spouse for? Also, if you unchain me I won't let her tear you limb from limb, so I think that's a better offer than little Miss Witch can give you."

Little Miss Witch glared, "Not that it's any of your business-"

"As the damsel in distress, I'd like to think it's somewhat my business. IMO."

"-but out leader, Headmistress Soo, died last week."

"Oh? My condolences. How'd she die? If I guess, will you let me down?"

"She died choking on a hockey puck."

"That was, like, my third guess."

"She was a powerful witch! And so, she requires a powerful vessel when we bring her spirit back."

Wade nodded approvingly, he would be stroking his chin if able, "The ol' bring back your dead mentor schtick. I'd dig it. You know, if that wasn't my wifey you were trying to hijack. I don't think she would like that very much. So, counteroffer, you let me go, and I'll get food somewhere else, and we can put all of this behind us. I really don't want to kill a bunch of kids."