This is Going to End in Disaster

"You ever play 20 questions?"

 WARNING: Smut incoming.

Spider-Man isn't going to be happy we're breaking into his boss's house.

"It's not a house, it's a penthouse."

It has house in the name, thus it's a HOUSE!

"Yeah, well, maybe if he had some actual security in here, it wouldn't be so easy to sneak in. When you think about it, this is actually his fault."

True to observation, it was weird how little security Parker had around his penthouse. The rest of the building, from the lobby to the R&D department, was decked in state-of-the-art cameras, motion sensors, backup generators, and a whole swath of security personnel. But as soon as you hit the tippy top floor, where the head honcho himself resided, those cameras and guards became zilch.

Either Parker really likes his privacy...

"Or he's got something to hide." Wade mumbled. "What's so secret that he refuses to have cameras up here?"

Who knows? Rich people were a bunch of freaks. As a semi-rich person, Wade could say that. Sure, he used to splurge his money, enough so that for a few years he had to constantly merc just to get food in his tummy and a cheap apartment to squat in.

He's gotten better at saving it over the years. It was easier, especially given his new line of work with the Avengers. He doesn't have to (he isn't allowed to) kill as often, and so he doesn't have to spend as much money on ammo and weaponry. It left a lot of moola to spend on the important things, like superhero bobbleheads and ribbed dildos.

Picking through Parker's security is the easy part, it's going unnoticed that's hard. Strolling around in a bright red suit, carrying enough guns to make a too patriotic southern red neck pop a boner, tended to draw a lot of attention. So, he opted for the easiest solution and went through the roof.

He picked the maintenance door lock, and descended the stairs quickly. There are a few cameras he has to dodge, but nothing else. He finds his way to the penthouse, and picks that lock too. This one is harder, obviously more expensive, and it takes a few more minutes than the maintenance.

With a satisfying click , the lock pops open, and with a fist pump he nudged the door and peered inside.

Dark and empty. As it should be. His sources said that Parker would be on a business trip tonight, so the apartment was all his to snoop. He didn't bother being quiet about it once the door was secured and relocked. There were no cameras here, but he still searched the corners and crevices for hidden devices, or motion sensors, and it came back as empty as Wade's Grindr DM's. Parker was either incredibly stupid, or he was about to uncover some really deep shit.

"And here we go," he rubbed his hands together, grinning. "Who's up for a little mischief?"

ME! ME!

I AM!!

PICK ME!!

"Eeeny, meeny, miny – let's start with you," he chose a random drawer and rummaged. The likelihood of finding a condemning piece of evidence hidden in his kitchen was slim. Unless there is a head in the freezer.

Wade checked. He did not.

"But he gets negative points for keeping his drawers so damn so cluttered," he griped, weaseling a spatula out from under the top of the drawer where it was stuck. "So sloppy."

The door across the room creaked as it opened and Wade spun around, holding the spatula out in front of him in defense. The man standing in the doorway was barefoot, clad in a t-shirt and boxers, and wielding a broom like a sword.