Boys Like Me

•~• Chapter Four •~•

Hey! This chapter involves swearing and $uic!dal suggestion.

November 30th
It's Tuesday again, and Tuesday means therapy. I am debating in my head whether or not to tell Tom about last night, but in the long run there's no reason not to. He already knows about Scarlett, and my feelings towards her, but I'm still not sure I should tell Tom about it.
Ultimately, I decide that if the subject comes up I will tell him, otherwise I won't.

"Mornin' Jay!" Tom greets me with a big smile. Tom has a slight Australian accent from when he spent 7 years in Australia. That was before I was seeing him though, and I think it's kind of odd that he still has the accent after 20 years.
"Morning." I mumble, barely loud enough for him to hear while putting my satchel down by the door. I lay down on the worn out red sofa across from him. I am incredibly comfortable around Tom, I've been seeing him since I was 15, and he knows a lot about me. He's the one who told me about chest binding and gender dysphoria when I was younger, he really helped me find myself.

"What's on your mind kiddo?" His smile faded and he leaned forward, desperately searching for a sign pointing towards why I'm in a pissy mood.
"Rough week."
Our talks are usually brief when I have bad weeks, and Tom has tried again and again to set me off and get me to spill about everything, but it never works. I'm a hard nut to crack.
"What made it rough?" He asked. I looked at him for only a second to see the concerned, and almost afraid look on his face.
"Girls. Love." I said, trying to keep it brief. He leaned back In his chair again.
"Ooooh. Scarlett I assume. How did your date at the museum go?"
I accidentally let a smile form in the corner of my mouth.
"Good. Really good. We keep accidentally wearing matching outfits because our styles are so similar. She has bangs now. They're cute I guess. I really liked her."
Tom raised his eyebrows.
"Liked?"
I didn't say anything for a minute, I didn't want to explain what happened last night.
Finally, I nodded.
"I didn't just lose feelings over night, but I think it's fitting to use past tense because she's not going to be in my life anymore."
"What happened, Jayden?"
There was another minute of silence.
"Jayden? Are you okay?"
I sat up. I could tell Tom was getting tired of the same thing every session and maybe I was too. Minutes passed and we spoke about the weather and our afternoon plans.
"How was the weather on the date?"
That's when I flipped. Just like he always wanted.
"YOU KNOW WHAT? THE WEATHER WAS PERFECT. THE DATE WAS PERFECT. THE GIRL WAS... ALMOST PERFECT. UNTIL I HAD HER OVER AND SHE TRIED TO GET IN MY PANTS AND FOUND OUT THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE." I gestured to my crotch and tears were starting to form in my eyes.
"THERES NOTHING IN THERE TOM. SHE CALLED ME A GIRL. I. WAS. BORN. A. GIRL. I HAVE NO DICK. IM NEVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING MORE THAN THE FAMILY DISAPPOINTMENT. THE PILLS AREN'T HELPING. THE THERAPY ISNT HELPING. NOTHING IS HELPING, AND MY CAREER ISNT GOING ANYWHERE BECAUSE I LIVE THE SAME FUCKING DAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN, JUST WISHING MAYBE SOMEDAY I COULD DO SOMETHING BIG. BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT. BUT I NEVER WILL, TOM BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES THE TRANNY. SCARLETT DOESNT LIKE ME, AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE THINGS WERE GOING TOO WELL SO I JUST HAD TO FUCK IT UP RIGHT?"
Tom was at a loss for words. I've never said anything like that before. By now tears were flooding down my cheeks and out of instinct, I stormed out of the room.

December 2nd

I sit on the edge of my bed with a bottle of pills and a decision to make. I think about my sisters. I think about my parents. I think about Scarlett. I think about Sam. I think about Henry, who is curled up beside me. I think about everyone I've ever passed in the street, every waitress that has ever served me, realizing nobody would see me again. I pour the pills into my hand. The worst part is I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I'm not anything. My mind is blank as I sit on the edge of my bed with a potentially lethal dose of pills in my hand.
Do I do it?
The phone rings.
"Saved by the bell" I thought to myself.
I pick up and sam's on the other side of the phone.
"Do you want to move to Bali?" He asked with an excited tone in his voice
I took a long moment to think.
"Well... I mean yeah but I got school bro-"
"Mannnn fuck school. Take a year off. You're done in January, we can leave the week after."
I thought about it long and hard.
January
That gives me roughly a month to pack.
"I'll think about it" I say finally.
"Sick!"
Sam hangs up the phone and I'm suddenly distracted, putting the pills back in the bottle and scurrying to get on with my day with new found motivation.
Bali I think to myself
January.
White sand beaches.
Palm trees.
Sun kissed skin.
I decide to go out for tea at my usual cafe. I walk in and Scarlett is there, sitting on one of bar stools while talking to someone else. I walk out without hesitation.
"Cafes near me" I type into my phone, I flip through the list for a few minutes before finding one that suits my fancy.
"Jason's cafe" it's called. Ten minutes away by car, which isn't terrible. I walk to the nearest bus stop and wait for bus 7C to arrive, which is scheduled for 11:30am.
I have a love-hate relationship with the city bus. There's a lot of commotion and the doors clank the entire drive, and there's almost always a couple making out or arguing, but I like the bus driver, he knows me by name. And people. I like people.
I hand the driver $4
"Thanks, Jayden"
I sit in the same spot every time I go on the bus, it's four seats from the back and for some reason, it's rarely taken.

I find my seat and listen to a murder mystery podcast while I wait. I get off and the cafe is just around the corner from the bus stop, which is very convenient.
The cafe is entirely black and brown with warm lighting. I order the same tea I would get anywhere else and it comes in a sage green mug with dark green vines. I also get a blueberry muffin, which is served on a matching plate. I found a seat by the window and I was reading my book when someone came up to me.

"Hey I couldn't help but notice you were reading, what's it called?"
I look up to find a handsome man in front of me. My cheeks get warm.
"O-oh I'm reading 'they both die in the end.' Have you read it?" I stutter.
He smiles, he has dimples and a scruffy beard. Dark, curly hair and beautiful chestnut eyes. Standing next to each other, I think we would be about the same height. He's wearing all earth tones, and he has a few rings on.
"Oh! I'm reading that too!" He says, pulling his copy out from his backpack.
"May I?" He asks, gesturing to the seat in front of me.
"Please!" I say with a smile.
"I'm a book worm myself, you from this part of town?"
"I live just a few minutes from here, I took the bus."
He smiles, "sweet! I live just a street over. I come here practically daily, except on Wednesdays, that's when my schedule is full. The muffins here are to die for!" He says. He's very chatty, which I admire. But I'm not gay? Am I? Do I find him cute?
"Yeah I just had a blueberry one, it was pretty good. I'm sorry I didn't catch your name-" I say.
"Oh I'm sorry, I'm Elliot." He says with a smile.
"You?"
"Oh, I'm Jayden."
"Alright Jayden, well I gotta go, it was nice meeting you!" He says, and leaves in a hurry.
I wave goodbye and finish my tea, not being able to focus on my book anymore.
I only have one thing on my mind the entire bus ride home.
Elliot.