They'd tell me to hold my breath. They'd say not to care, that other things in this world are more important. That my swimming career would be more important than some pathetic emotion called love. I would agree, and laugh along. Our jokes making my world. Nothing in my life that was serious in the least. Nothing. Nothing but the pathetic thoughts and doubts in my brain.
My secrets are burning a hole through my heart
And my bones catch a fever
When it cuts you up this deep
It's hard to find a way to breathe
I shut my eyes tight, the darkness making me feel safe. Safe from the world. Safe from anyone rude enough to awaken my demon. All things in this world left me, leaving just my mind and myself. Thoughts of destruction pounded against my brain. It taunted me, beckoning me to hurt myself. I held my breath, just to feel like I was drowning.
I imagined it. Waves slapping against my skin, my magenta hair swaying with the ocean's melody. My eyes closed shut in what seemed like bliss. I started to fall under the water. My body limply fell down and down farther. I could feel the swaying of fish swimming beside me. A suiting way to die. I lived in the water, dying in it wouldn't be much of a surprise.
Your eyes are swallowing me
Mirrors start to whisper
Shadows start to sing
My skin's smothering me
Help me find a way to breathe
"RIN!" a small voice yelled from outside my fantasy. I ignored it.
"RIN!" it called again. I was about to ignore it once more, when I felt a hand slap me.
I jumped up, gasping for air. My lungs heaved as I tried to regulate my breathing. I glared up at the person who awoke me. My eyes were met with a light rose color. I looked up to see fluffy blonde hair, and a once happy smile, set in a frown. Their tears budded on their dark black lashes.
"Nagisa, what are you doing?! Why are you in my dorm?!" I lashed out. My lips set in a snarl, as I resisted the urge to punch Nagisa in the nose.
"RIN WHAT WERE YOU DOING?! I WAS SO SCARED! YOU WEREN'T BREATHING!" Nagisa exasperatedly yelled.
I only looked away. He didn't need my problems on his back. He couldn't know I wanted to die. He couldn't know that everyday I was alive it felt as though I was in a dream. As though I was in an eternal sleepwalking state.
Time stood still
The way it did before
It's like I'm sleepwalking
Fell into another hole again
It's like I'm sleepwalking
We sat in silence. His tears finally fell, as his arm rubbed at his cheeks furiously. I wanted to comfort him, but I was scared. Scared that my fragile heart would be crumbled in a matter of seconds; that my pathetic feelings of love and shame, would pour out. He would coddle me, pity me.
"Rin, why did you do it?" Nagisa asked a moment later. I stayed silent.
"Rin, you can tell me," silence.
"Why won't you tell me?"
I bit my lip. He didn't need to know that I was a suicidal idiot, who puts on a tough front to get by.
"Rin-chan... You, I," he began, his words fumbling together, "Listen. I miss you, so much. Ever since we were little you've included me. I... I," he stuttered out.
His tongue flicked across his chapping lips, and he tugged gently on the skin of his bottom lip with his teeth. His pink marred flesh tantalized me. I wanted it. I wanted him. I was done pretending like my life would be fine, that I can be alone.
So I kissed him. I pressed my lips against Nagisa's. I moved mine in a rhythm he soon followed. It was like we were writing a song, our own love song.
I'm at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here?
Do I disappear?
Edge of the world
Should I sink or swim?
Or simply disappear?
"Nagisa," I breathed against his lips, "I'm sorry. It's just, I want to die sometimes."
Nagisa only hugged me tight. His muscular legs straddled my own, as he hung his head by mine. His chin was settled on my shoulder, and he kissed the exposing skin that my shirt collar don't cover.
"If you ever drown, I'll help you breathe okay? So don't go through this alone. You have me now," he whispered and moved to meet my gaze, "I love you Rin."
And he kissed me once more.
Your eyes are swallowing me
Mirrors start to whisper
Shadows start to sing
My skin's smothering me
Help me find a way to breathe
-
(A/N) I SHIP WEIRD THINGS OKAY?! Also Bring Me The Horizon has taken over my life. That is all.
YOU ARE READING
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FanfictionSo, haha fun fact, I am done with Wattpad. I'll leave this up for y'all but I'm over it. Deleted some things that were rather ignorant of me to post, and slightly toxic (I did create this in like 3 years ago,,,).
