I'd choose you

6. Fake dating?

I feel my breath heaving and my cheeks burning as I look again at my phone.

I have daddy issues.

I know that, I have known that my whole life. My whole life I felt like I wasn't enough because I've never got my father's love. I was lucky enough to have my stepfather's love, but a part of me always felt empty, useless, unloved because my own father couldn't stay in my life. He would just come and go, to play with my feelings, to let me give him my heart just to see him letting it fall onto the ground. And once he leaves I have to put the pieces back, one by one, trying to find a place for each piece of my heart, and it takes a lot each time.

I can feel my heart shrinking over the years because I'm scared that my father will come again and I won't be able to love someone again.

I made mistakes many times and most of the time it was the same old mistake over and over

Forgiving my father.

He tells me that he is sorry and that he misses his "buttercup" and that he will be better, and I feel it, I feel like we could be okay. I feel like I could have a good relationship with my father, like the one I have with my stepfather, or the one my friends have with their fathers. And nobody ever understands how I feel, because I don't show it, I hide it and then I break down.

I feel guilty because my mom keeps telling me to forgive him because he is dying and it would be the last chance for the both of us to get closure. But what about me? Because once he dies I have to deal with the consequences, I have to deal with the panic attacks and the tears and all that bullshit that goes on and on in my brain. I'm scared. I'm scared of what my body and my brain will do once he's gone, because he has less than five months left to live and I told Ethan to take me to New york.

Once I'm out of the tub and in my bed, in my pajamas, I lay down with my stomach laying on the mattress and my legs criss crossed. I inhale and take my phone in my hands, shaking from fear.

V: hi. I can call you tomorrow morning around 12:30. Does that sound good?

I hate to admit but my text message sounded more like an email to my coworker than a text to my own father.

—

I didn't sleep last night and I'm now in my office listening to a boring old white man with his skin slowly falling apart because of how old he is while waiting for hungover Ethan to show up.

"And that's how I got into business" He smiled proudly at me and I put on my fakest smile to show him how interested I was in his story.

"Wow, so inspiring mr goldberg"

"So are you Robinson's secretary?" he asks and i can't hold it in so i just laugh straight in his face. "No... I have been working here for almost five years, me and Robinson are working for the same position" I reply and he scoffs. Because he isn't happy with my answer, he isn't happy with the fact that I might actually take over in five months because I have a vagina.