Our people

Chapter I: The grudges and embarrassment of a freshman

I associated every bits of life into categories. Moments of passion, grief, anger, and depression. Most people say move on or say this or that and go on and live your life but as a type of person like me I hold grudges on certain aspects in my life and always remember.

I remember a time when I was younger when me and a friend named yara were friends since atleast the 1st grade, she changed during 6th grade. Maybe it was all the lip gloss and squat workouts that made her become so different and betray me. Or maybe she just didn't like me anymore. Either way she started a feud, it was the time every teen girl started saying profanity words like 'oh shit' or 'you bitch' there specifically she believed I was "copying" her and that's when for the first time I snapped. All of my time wasted on my fake ass friend was gone, she started calling and texting on how much she wanted to beat my ass like every short popular bitch at a trashy school. But never once did she do it alone.

And one day I was done with her harrasment and I asked for privacy to speak yet the minute we meeted at the courtyard 6 people were behind her and there was just me and my best friend, jayla. There was nothing more blood boiling than her throwing a fist at me and I did it right back.

In my head, in my dreams, and not in real life.
That was the last day I ever spoke with her, every number of hers blocked from my phone.

Now, I'm not saying I'm a saint because I feel as if I'm not the best person in the world, everyone has a dark side to which they snap with sometimes ending up with me imagining being the crap out of someone. But I knew better than to do something that could cause mayhem in my life, I didn't need to become my cousin.

I wondered how she was, was yara still angry like me? Or did she move on unlike me? She took everyone from me afterall, I had the right to be angry when only a few stood by me, right?

Of course I still mocked about her, still angry about that situation but who could blame me?

It was the first day of freshman year, you would say it possibly would be the best day of my life in a while but that was before I puked in the bathroom due to the nerves. Graffiti painted walls around me and the bathroom was more than cramped. See the thing is I diagnosed myself with anxiety and bipolar depression.

And due to me having this so called anxiety there was stomach issues with that. And I hated myself for that, it was embarrassing more than anything even more embarrassing to explain. It felt awful to stand above that disgusting toilet and puke my entire guts out.

And you would say something about how you can't self diagnose yourself unless you're some sort of doctor but who cares?

Talking about anxiety and doctors, I get major anxiety around them. Theres nothing more scarier than sitting in a quiet small white room with posters showing you things that might be wrong with you. It scares the living shit out of me once my mind wanders to the possibility of having that problem with me. But then the dentist also scared me, one time last year I showed up to the dentist then boom I had 8 cavities. Now don't judge me and say Oh brush your teeth but I do, but sometimes you don't brush them right within the 12 hours of that food setting there.

Anyways I managed to get out of that small bathroom and my backpack was big and heavy. I planned to meet crystal during lunch, we knew eachother during elementary til now. It has been a year ago when I last saw her and I missed her so badly. She was the only person I recognized that was actually excited to see me except jayla.

I walked and I walked until time felt like I was melting away, people passing by like cars and I was in traffic. It was dangerous to ever walk right into anybody. I felt surrounded and small compared to others when I used to feel big and strong. It felt strange to be in a place that made you feel like you were nothing compared to others who dressed to impress and I dressed like I didn't get the memo.

Not once did I think so low of myself during years before. Did the others stare and could see right through my ego, everything that once described me never described again.
That was because I never wa the same again, I've lost all hope in what could've been the future because in my eyes I thought the end was near and we would all die.

Death scared me because no one had ever loved me enough to make me really remembered by others. You either were loved, famous, or a nobody and at that moment I felt like a nobody.

You know what's worser than being a nobody? Embarrassing yourself infront of the whole cafeteria.

"Dude fuck- can you get me a few tissues?" I ask as crystal just looked at me with wide eyes and looked barely around her, she was a bit of an awkward person around social situations and grabbing tissues would kill her and neither could I have ran for a tissue, on with the sweater sleeve. My allergies had started acting up the day I went for my first day and mh voice sounded deeper than usual. While me and crystal argued and screamed in disgust there was a future friend from a distant hesitated to come greet us. It took a total of 3 days for her to say hello to me. Soon enough we would all together meet.