'I will break my own heart and use those pieces to fix yours.'
Jeon Jungkook, a k-pop idol from the world renowned band BTS is married to the love of his life, Lee Haru - a professional actress. But it wasn't any normal marriage, for Haru hated him...
She pressed a wet towel on his forehead while he lay on the bed of a hotel room. He could not help but feel his heart fluttering every time she was this close to him.
His feverish body and prolonged craving for care added to his sensitivity. He was so overwhelmed that tears were prickling the corner of his eyes.
"How did you manage to be in this condition? You have a 103°F fever. Are you crazy travelling in this condition?" She chided but her words were received as pure honey to his ears as his faint smile stretched by his own accord.
"What's there to smile in this?"
He shook his head lightly, still smiling. The paracetamol he took made him feel dizzy, also her presence was no less than a drug for him and without realising it, he drifted off to sleep.
She though was still wiping off his body with the towel. At the moment, she forgot that he was her rapist. She just knew, he was Jungkook, the same Jungkook whom she loved with her heart.
Glancing once at the wall clock, she realised that it was already past midnight. Her gaze averted to his sleeping face and a smile twitched her lips. The way he was pouting slightly and the calm that was dancing over his disposition was endearing to her.
Looking back down, she saw his stranded hand. She had the crawling urge to touch it, hold it, feel it... Again. But as she was about to, it struck her.
This had was all over her body, ripping her apart. Tearing her into shreds of being that she actually was. It was choking her and even though she didn't die of it, life left her body. It was at all places that she never consented it to be and it was a hell of a realisation for her. It drained her face of any colour, her smile faded into depths of darkness and her eyes were contemplative of her actions.
She felt sick and a weird bloating in her stomach made her realise that she needs to purge. She inhaled deeply but was still feeling suffocated, everything as if revolving around her. She stood up from the stool, staggering her way up to the washroom.
She sat down immediately beside the commode, still trying to compose herself but her throat felt something gushing over and she let it out in the bowl. She had tears in her eyes out the weakness and unpleasant feelings.
All of sudden, she felt someone tuck a strand of her beside her ear and later collect them in a ponytail that made it easier for her. After she was done letting everything out, she coughed a few times and finally looked up at Jungkook squatting down beside her, her hair in his grasp.
"I'll bring water," he said and got up thwarting out of the bathroom.
She felt despondent. Her hands clutched onto her pants as tears rained down her face.
Why can I not forget this Jungkook? When I want to forgive you? Why can I not? Why was it so easier for me to forgive Mia than it is to you? Why? She thought as more tears were accompanied by her sniffling.
As Jungkook entered back again, he panicked looking at her. He immediately got on his knees beside her, "What happened Haru? Are you hurting? Are you feeling sick? Tell me." His hands in the air, wanting to embrace her but he cannot, he wanted to caress her hair, but he cannot. He was helpless.
She looked up, her eyes were bloodshot, "Please leave me Jungkook, I can never love you back again. I can never."
He felt a pang in his heart but he contained himself, he had to be strong to support her.
He smiled warmly, "You don't have to. You don't have to love me back Haru but I will support you. I will be there whenever you'll need me cause I love you. And that's all I need. You're my reason, the reason I want to live in this tired world. And I am not doing this to win back you or because of clearing out my guilty conscience..." He paused, "besides you, I don't know any purpose of my life."
To this, she could not stop her wailing. He cried her heart out, "P-Please leave me alone. Get out of here, get away from me."
He had his own eyes drowning in waters of misery but he simply kept the water bottle on the floor and left her there. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
She looked at the water bottle and picked it up in her trembling hands. Why don't you understand? I feel like... I can never love anyone now. I feel like... I don't deserve you!
•••
After a heartbreaking session of consistent sobbing, she finally collected herself and plunged out of the washroom. He saw Jungkook sleeping on the couch instead, his face was stiffened by the dried tears.
Why are we always crying and never happy? She complained. Her own tears felt so trivial in front of his exhausted face. She sighed loudly, going towards the bed and trying to drift off to sleep but she did not want to.
She did not want to hate Jungkook because of the illusionary nightmares. She got up once again, opening her phone browser.
"How to forgive your rapist?" Backspaced.
"How to forgive a rapist with no guilty intentions?" Backspaced.
"How to forgive a person who was forced into a rape without guilty intentions?" Backspaced.
"How to forgive a..."
No matter how much euphemism she may use, rape is rape and there is no softer term for that. She sighed looking at her phone screen once again.
"Can we fall in love once again with the same person?"
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She smiled inadvertently but soon repealed it back. Why am I smiling? I shouldn't! What did love give me? Pain? Lies? A broken heart?
Suddenly a voice inside of her spoke, "Me."
What? She looked at her baby bump and caressed it slightly. It gave me hope.
