Pessimistic Coodies (RusAme)

Hyper-Independence

"When I was a boy, I used to think something was wrong with me. I experienced harsh treatment daily and nightly, if it wasn't from school, it was from home. It was a back and forth pattern that had occurred for me everyday. It was like I was trapped. I used one hell to escape the other. After a long day of being scolded by teachers, bullied by peers, and struggling in my studies, I would look forward to coming home... only to be scolded by my father, bullied by my siblings, and struggling in my chores- it would make me look forward to attend school the very next day... only to repeat the depressing never ending cycle. Throughout the entire process, I was alone. I tried to make friends but in the end, they always found a way to hurt or disappoint me within a day. I merely felt it was best to be completely alone and isolated. It was the safest. To fight all my battles solo made me stronger.

The only time I found peace was in sleep, that was if my mind wasn't clouded by nightmares,-and I found peace when I would walk by myself to and from school. These were like my short breaks from both hells when I didn't have to endure either of them. These short long lived moments instilled great peace in me for awhile, but I was soon to learn it wasn't enough. I started to look for a new escape outlet. I was desperate to break the cycle. Instead of returning home one day from school, I found myself stumbling in a library. The atmosphere was as peaceful as the waves in a small lake- tranquil. There was no screaming, everyone was required to speak in a hushed tone. I was surrounded by endless knowledge. With the sole purpose of this wondrous location, it wasn't a surprise I took on the challenge to read. I found myself reading a diverse number of genres; poetry, history, dramas, mythology, fairy-tales, biographies, fables, horrors, mysteries, and informational stories were to name a few. It helped fill the void and distracted myself from my miserable life.

Of course, nothing could be perfect. I was soon to realize that the more I obtained knowledge, the more miserable I became. I started to deeply question my life and why it was this way. It was truly unfortunate.

My intelligence was something I could no longer hide when I started to excel in my studies. Many of my professors were shocked to see such improvement that they could never take credit for. The school decided to move me up to more advanced classes and I was no longer surrounded by my troublemaking peers. For once, my father was extremely proud of me during this time and I found that my life was improving. He demanded that I partake in no more chores so I could completely dedicate my time to my studies. My siblings were forced to pick up on all of my chores, the increased amount of work made them grow to hate me.

In my new classes, I was surrounded by arrogant people. I don't know why I expected the smarter people to be better than my previous peers. They were just as bad. They believed they were better than everyone else and jokingly referred to the students below them as "peasants". They were all in competition with each other to be the best. Despite that they were a little more mature, each word they spoke was laced with a fake kindness. They were all hungry sharks waiting to surpass the other. It was brutal. I wanted nothing more than to stay away from them. That was when I had learned it was unsafe to trust and befriend anyone. I have always longed for friends and companionship but after all I have witnessed, I no longer craved it. Befriending anyone was a large risk in itself. For the first time in my life, I was grateful that I was lonely. I wasn't truly happy but given my circumstances, it was for the best. A single friend could've been the cause of my possible downfall.

Randomly in my youth, I had hit a growth spurt and towered over all my peers. I wasn't even in middle school yet. They started to find me intimidating and strived to avoid me at all costs. It was simple, I avoided them and they avoided me- and that was that. The school days soon became long, dreadful, and boring. I was starting to lose my interest in learning. I feared that I would lose motivation and fall behind.