- delights

forever & always

Forever & Always, Always & Forever. How could we know that the other person meant it when they said I love you? How could three words, eight letters, have such a profound meaning? Over eight letters, how could it possibly describe our relationship? Was it a phrase we all said? It was always a mystery to me. I've always been afraid of the term love because its definition encompasses so many different meanings. What was it like to love someone? How could you tell if your feelings for them were genuine or if it was all a lie? Was it something they just said without meaning, or did they love you back? I would refrain from using the word, fearful that others would think I was ahead of myself and attached. How can you put love into words?

My mother's sickness worsened as I grew older and wiser, her pharmaceutical bottles piled up on the shelf. Reading the medication bottles she drank from and the documents she'd brought home from her doctor's appointments taught me more about her condition. It was terrifying to learn about her seizures, but witnessing them was even more horrifying. As the seizures took over her body, she couldn't speak or move. She'd sit there silently, fighting the pain on her own. I'd scream for my father to come help because I was terrified of what I was seeing. How could she even know I was there if I couldn't help her? I'd try to talk her through it, reassuring her that everything will be well, that everything will be fine while keeping back the tears I didn't want her to see. As he soothes her, my father motions me to move, and all I can do is sit back and watch her deal with the painful suffering like the strong person she is. I clutch her hand and squeeze it, attempting to reassure her that I'm still here. I didn't want her to go through this alone; I wanted to be there for her, forever & always.

She lays back down as she returns back to reality, sighing and surveying her surroundings. My father signals for me to leave so she can rest quietly. After these moments happen, I can't bear to look my mom in her eyes, worried I'd cry in her arms, sorry for what she has to go through. But I was confused, lost as to why it was her who had to go through this, and why it was becoming more and more painful to watch each time. She becomes more relaxed as the hours pass and I stroll over to check on her again. She indicates for me to come to sit by her, adjusting the pillows on her bed to make room for me. I force myself to look down at my hands, afraid that just glancing at her may cause me to shatter. She looks at me, realizing how closed off I was and understanding how I was feeling. Why do you have to go through this Mẹ? I asked, teary-eyed. Because, some people have to be a sacrifice. She would respond. She wraps her arms around me and runs her fingers through my hair. After all, she had gone through, she still had the energy to console me; but wasn't it supposed to be me who comforted her? I wasn't as brave, as strong, or as wise as my mom was. How could someone be so strong? Con biết mẹ sẽ yêu con mãi mãi và luôn luôn, phải không Na? (You know I'll love you forever and always, right Na?) She told me, holding me closer. Dạ con biết. (Yes I know).

Forever & Always... I repeated in my head.

Forever & Always... As my eyes closed and I fell asleep in her arms.

Forever & Always.