blue departure

ENDLESS DEPARTURE

trigger warning: death, brain tumor disease, disturbing thoughts.

SENSITIVE TOPIC. BE AWARE.

The world around him going darker and darker. He almost can see his own eyes glowing red. But, it's not even close to bright. There's no life there. There lies everything but the sounds of his own head thrumming in his ears loudly.

He cries out and beg, "Please just take me. Please.”

He can barely hear anything. Not how loud his friends screaming his name. Not how Angelina whispering sweet nothings to his ear, begging him to stay. Begging him to fight the fire inside his head. But, none of that matters. He somehow can feel how his eyes growing more and more painful because of how tight he shut it. He can feel the burning sensation on his neck, like there's someone pouring melted candle onto his skin. He can feel how tight his hospital gown, even though deep down he knows the gown is as loose than ever.

He started to think about how big of a crybaby he is when he was younger. He would even cry to a cereal advertisement because he's so fucking scared that the clown on the advertisement will jump out from the TV. He started to think about how much sweets he left back in his and Angelina's house before everything turns upside down and he have to practically spend his last months on his bed with his lover on his side. He always remember that they want a small family, maybe two or three kids. They're engaged. They're engaged, and this is nothing how he imagined his last months before marriage would goes.

”I don't really know? I want to have a brave strong girl but also a pretty and strong boy.”

That's what Angelina said when he asked about how they thinks about kids. Angelina loves kids. Genuinely obsessed with them. She can turns so soft and giggly around kids, like she never feel something like this when she was younger. But, it is true. None of them have that brilliant childhood memories.

His head started to get more and more painful. It's already unbearable from the start when he feels the burning, tight sensation on his head but it feels so much worse now. It feels like someone ripped his hair off from his scalp forcefully. But, the pain never stops. In fact, the pain is getting worse and worse by seconds his breath quickens.

His lips quirks upwards a little when he can finally sense his lover voice on his ear, even though he barely can understand what his lover said. No matter how close his lover speaks to his ears, he barely catch anything except "i love you.” and ”please stay. i can't live without you.”

Nor did he.

Even right after his doctor said the tumor in his brain growing and there's only a little chance to survive with an apologetic smile, he already prepare what he can actually leave for his loved ones. A letter, he suppose. He's good at it. Good at making up words and making it way more dramatic than ever.

What would his lover do after he died? After his body buried deep down inside the ground? Would he choose to move on and completely forgetting about him? Like he never there, like he's only a small paragraph on his whole book?

What would i do without him? Should i drag him to death too?

If he's not in such pain he would laugh loudly while hiding his face into the crook of his lover neck. The idea of laughing seems so far away. Like it's been forever since the last time he can laugh without his head growing tight and his eyes feels like it possibly jumps out from his eyelid.

He's not ready. Hell, he's never been more scared in his life before.

He's not scared of the idea of actually dying. The idea of him leaving everything and everyone that means the world does.