Trigger Warning // depression, depressing themes, and self harm. The self harm comes at the end, after Gentlecheese get home from the bowling alley. I want to show a realistic portrayal of the actions and thoughts of someone suffering from depression, but I am in no way saying self harm is a good idea. Mr Cheese's thoughts are disordered and not true. Please stay safe and get help if you ever have thoughts of self harm or suicide. You are not a burden.
"But I find that lately,
I've been crying like a tall child"
-Mitski, First Love, Late Spring
Winter came and went, and with Spring's arrival, Mr Cheese hoped a better mood would come. Flowers blossomed, birds chirped, and the air felt fresh and new. Snow melted away, but his anger and sadness didn't.
He felt himself getting angrier, more irritable. Yelling "what, dude?" when someone tried to get his attention while he was preoccupied. Openly rolling his eyes when asked to repeat himself. Glaring at TheGentleman to make him get ready faster. He'd always had issues with anger, but it got worse and harder to contain.
The sick feeling in his stomach turned out to be boiling acid, and he didn't have the energy to contain it.
And no one took notice. Not TheGentleman, not Player, not Veteran, not anyone.
Which made him feel angrier.
They don't even notice. They don't care about you
They haven't noticed because you've always been mean. You're an asshole
No one notices, and if they did, they wouldn't care, since you're a dick
Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!!
Why don't they know?
Because you haven't told them, dipshit
The anger at his friends was poisonous, and he knew it, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. His head was too busy with the constant back and forth to try.
Thankfully, TheGentleman had managed to mostly avoid this, despite the fact he was the person Mr Cheese spent the most time with.
But it wasn't the rage wasn't there, because it was. It just took time to build.
TheGentleman implying he was messy or weird or foolish, taking over chores when Mr Cheese was perfectly capable, scoffing when Mr Cheese spilled something, Mr Cheese couldn't take it anymore. But he held it in, in naive hope the anger and hurt would go away if he did.
That all changed one early February day. It was freezing outside, but the house the pair shared was warm and cozy. Mr Cheese was having a relatively nice moment, eating pancakes while TheGentleman read the morning paper. The acid in his stomach boiled underneath the surface, outside of his notice.
Mr Cheese was used to eating messy. It got better as time went on, but still, if he wasn't careful, he could be rather sloppy. "I need syrup," he thought out loud.
TheGentleman looked up when he heard that. "Be careful."
Mr Cheese looked up, starting to feel sick. "I haven't even poured it yet, have some faith in me!"
TheGentleman smiled in an entertained way. "I just know how you are."
The phrase hurt Mr Cheese, but he picked up the syrup and brought it over. His hands shook ever so slightly, and despite his best efforts, he ended up spurting the thick syrup on his shirt.
Mr Cheese looked down at it as TheGentleman rolled his eyes. "Geez, even after I reminded you to be careful."
Mr Cheese paused for a moment. The vile that had been building up in his stomach the past months exploded, reaching his throat and bursting out of his mouth.
YOU ARE READING
Sunshine (a Gentleman x Mr Cheese book)
FanficI've wanted to write a slow, angsty fic which explores Mr Cheese slowly falling into depression for a long time, and now here it is. This is Gentlecheese, but I hope to make it realistic and varied, and so his relationship with other characters will...
