Sunshine (a Gentleman x Mr Cheese book)

Burning Despair Does Ache

Content Warning for depression and depressing themes, discussion of vomit, weight insecurities, and eating disorders.  Please, please understand that I do NOT support or condone eating disorders or self-harm.  The narration is based off Mr Cheese's perceptions and opinions, and does not always reflect my own.  Just because Mr Cheese is doing or thinking something, does not mean I support doing that thing or thinking that thing.  Some of his thoughts and opinions are disordered and not right.  I wanted to explore how body insecurity can make people do, not say that all his thoughts are good.  None of these characters are perfect and I also wanted to explore that.  Being considered fat isn't the end of the world.  I do not want to make anyone hate their body or weight or think that they should. I know this Authors Note may seem long but I really want to stress this.

"No one ever wants to know you're this sad"
                                                       -Skin, Wolf Alice

Mr Cheese zoomed in on his cheek, but he still couldn't tell.  Couldn't tell how fat others would see him.

He wanted to make sure he didn't look too overweight. He scrolled around the picture more, seeing himself, Player, TheGentleman, and Veteran smiling back at him.

Mr Cheese zoomed in on Veteran again, his thighs, his face, his arms.  And it hit him that this would look like an indication of attraction to anyone else- the reality was worse.  He was measuring how fat he looked compared to Veteran.

Mr Cheese knew this wasn't right, but he couldn't help it.  136 people liked that picture, he had to know how each and every one of them perceived them.  Perceived him.  He needed that validation even if he didn't know most of them.  As fat as he looked, he wasn't as fat as Veteran. 

It's not that he thought Veteran looked bad!  Veteran, clearly, fit the look.  But Mr Cheese didn't.
He put his head in his hands, feeling bad for doing this but somehow still not regretting it.  He'd been looking at this picture, taken seven months ago, obsessively for a few weeks now.

Mr Cheese hoped that he'd lost weight in the past month.  If not, his purging had been useless. 

After the first purge, Mr Cheese tried to not eat anything.  That quickly failed, and he gorged as if he hadn't ate in days.  That ended in making himself throw up more.

And before he knew it, that pattern had established itself and continued for weeks.  Making himself throw up hurt at first, but it started to feel strangely good.

He got away from the photos and looked down at his own body, poking and prodding as if he was an alien.   It felt narcissistic, but it wasn't out of pride or confidence. 

A tear came without him realizing or feeling it.  His mind was too focused on criticizing every aspect of himself.

TheGentleman closed the door behind him.
Mr Cheese jumped at the sudden sound.  He worried for a moment that somehow, TheGentleman would figure out what he had been doing, but of course he wouldn't.  His face only showed confusion for why Mr Cheese had been so surprised.

"You alright?" TheGentleman chuckled.

Mr Cheese muttered a reply and snaked off the couch, going to TheGentleman and hugging him from behind.  TheGentleman had gotten much more used to it, and didn't jump at the sudden touch.  He only reached his hand back and grabbed Mr Cheese's.

Mr Cheese sighed softly, taking in the warmth of TheGentleman's body and the calm it gave him.  He buried his face into his partners' chest, blissful.
Until the way his face was squished gave him a hyper awareness of the way his stomach was as well.  He cast his eyes down at the part of his body he hated and almost glared at it before pulling away.  He didn't want TheGentleman to feel how overweight he was.