LOVE TRIAL

- feelings are fatal

i couldn't let go of the dumb
promise we made as kids.

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saiki

FEELINGS ARE FATAL, ESPECIALLY these ones i have right now— if you could even call it that.

which is why i should stop feeling this way when i see y/n giving me looks during class whenever i so happen to turn around and ask for an eraser. an eraser! i end up making up stupid, idiotic excuses to turn around and so much as get a glance of the h/c haired girl.

borrwing items ranging from a mechanical pencil to a textbook even if i already have those items. she's such a distraction and this only means i should distance myself from her. but even i can't bring myself to do that because once i try to avoid her, my legs end up going to the room she's in.

"miko!" the voice of the said girl that has plagued my thoughts daily chirped. she has been cheery these days. during the first few days of the semester, she was quiet, thoughts louder than her voice and mostly kept to herself and never spoke unless spoken to.

now, y/n is cheery, talkative and initiates a conversation— more so, ever since aiura mikoto, the fortune teller we went to a few days ago, transfered to our school. i would tell myself that it's better if she hangs around with the gyaru but the back of my head would scream at me and say that it's a lie no matter how much i argue with myself that it isn't.

"y/n-nie, have you done anything about the whole..." aiura motioned to me in a not-so subtle way, making me roll my eyes at the two. y/n cleared her throat and shook her head, "it's a work in progress, i guess." she muttered then waved at me to which i waved back out of instinct making aiura grin, "that is progress!"

"i don't think this is gonna work... it's pretty stupid now that i think about it." y/n whispered to the blonde, lowering her voice in hopes i wouldn't hear it but to no avail. i raised a brow and slowly looked up at the inseparable duo, trying to listen in more. "what?! what do you mean? i read your fortunes and i am never wrong in this department!" aiura whisper-yelled, confused at the words of her friend.

a sigh escaped y/n's lips, glancing at me then whispered something to aiura to which i was unable to hear. frustrated, i clenched my fist, almost breaking the mechanical pencil y/n had lended to me the other day. what does she mean when she said that "this isn't going to work"?! is she actually giving up? is that how difficult i was? should i show her that i don't want her to leave? would that make me look desperate?

this is exactly what i feared. the panic i once thought would be imaginary, came true. but i can't do anything about it... because i don't love y/n. it's one sided.

the yearning she has for me is different from what i feel for her. what i feel for her is... what is it? god, y/n distracts me so much i can't get my thoughts straight. this is frustrating. i know what i'm feeling right now isn't love— it isn't as strong as whatever y/n feels towards me.

now that i think about it, y/n has never outright said she loves me. she just clings to my arm and says she can't wait for me to accept her love but never uttered those three, special words.

those three, special words...

-

"y/n." i said sternly, effectively stopping the h/c haired girl from exiting the class. it was lunch time and there was no one in the room as of now apart from the two of us. "yes?" she answered, looking at me with anxiousness in her eyes.

"are you still going to walk home with me?" i blurted out, smacking myself mentally as that was not the question i wanted to ask. y/n smiled, "do you want to?" well this is new. she's finally asking if i want to agree with walking home or not. normally, i would disagree and the rest of my day would go by with the peace and silence of my room thanks to the germanium friendship bracelet the h/c haired girl crafted.

but i didn't disagree— and that itself is once again perplexing.

answers i would usually respond with have been replaced by something else— something the past me definitely wouldn't agree with.

"yes," i finally replied, no emotion was evident on my face. y/n stared at me, scanning my eyes for any lingering emotions as if that would determine anything. "then sure." she breathed out, turning around and walking out the classroom, leaving me alone with my loud thoughts as well as the thoughts of others.

y/n's thoughts. they weren't the same.

usually they would be yelling with excitement, screaming about how i agreed to walk home with her again, but just now it was silent— no, it was quiet. so quiet i wasn't able to hear it.

fear swallowed me whole. was she actually going to stop pursuing me?

( y /  n )

i didn't know if this was for the best but the feelings i held for kusuo, wavered. i was scared everytime i was around him and tried to get him to talk or participate in the silly activity i had planned for us. i thought i would be used to this by now but after getting my fortune read, i had my doubts.

sure, miko told me herself that our compatibility was really high considering we were childhood friends but she also told me to be patient. should i be patient? do i want to wait for god knows how long for a person who made it very clear he does not like me the same way i do? do i want to take that chance? after all, any romantic feelings he had for me was years ago. it's all in the past.

i'm the only one stuck in the past while he's moving forward.

i couldn't let go of the dumb promise we made as kids.

"end of the month. i'll stop pursuing at the end of the month." i had told miko. she gave me a disapproving look at the time, still firmly believing i shouldn't give up. the past me would've agreed— all that hard work would've been for nothing if i gave up now, but it still would've been for nothing if i kept pursuing.

it's getting tiring. i'm tired of waiting for someone who wouldn't wait for me in turn.

i'm tired.

but our interaction today gave me a spark of excitement and a small tinge of happiness. i was glad he was finally accepting everything bit by bit. for once, it didn't feel like i forced him to do it.

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“but opening up means trusting others and that's just too much, i don't want to bother.”