Eighteen

Chapter 36

"I had lost her . . . and I lost her again."

Mom is gone.

I silently sat on bed, staring through the window feet away from the side of the bed. It framed a little part of the capital of the United Kingdom. I had been here for about five days now, each day on autopilot. Tita Celestia worked during the day while her husband, William, worked around the clock at their restaurant just at the foot of their house.

They had two children—Eleanor and Sean. The former was one year older than me, and I had not talked with her that much yet. Siguro nakikiramdam din siya sa sitwasiyon. May mga panahon naman na kapag nagkikita kami sa loob ng bahay, ngumingiti siya at kinukumusta ako. Noong unang araw ko rin dito, tinulungan niya akong isaayos ang mga gamit ko sa kwartong ito. She studied at Imperial College, enrolled in a business degree.

The latter was the older between the two. Sean was often inside the confines of his room. According to his sister, he loved to play video games, and his room was full with those. But that was not the only thing his life revolved around; apparently, he was working on a software. I had also heard that he had just completed his studies in UPD with a degree in B.Sc C.S.. Nakita ko siya nang isang beses sa pangalawang araw ko rito. Tipid na tango at ngiti lang ang nakuha ko mula sa kanya noon dahil mukhang may usapan sila ng tatay niya na importante.

"He was an exchange student but decided to take on a full course after meeting productive friends," sabi ni Ela noong isang araw.

Everyone in the house could speak Filipino except for William, who would always try his best in doing so.

Kahit na marami nang nagbago sa paligid ko, hindi pa rin nababago ang nararamdaman ko; I felt bleak and hollow. I was feeling for something—something to grip my consciousness around and give my days essence. I needed distraction, maybe. Pero iniisip ko rin na kahit iyon, baka hindi malunasan ang nararamdaman ko na para bang nakahiwalay ako sa buong mundo. Lagi ko lang nahuhuli ang sarili ko na nakatunganga, lumilipad ang isip.

Many times, words would walk across my mind repeatedly, pacing back and forth: Mom's gone. Mom's gone. She's gone. Mom's gone. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin nakikita ang patunay noon. That might be the reason why I had not yet broken down completely. I had lost two important people in my life, and I had not yet seen it in actuality. They say, to see is to believe.

I was scared to know . . . I was scared to believe.

I refused to.

Dad's crying plea would always reel me back to holding on. Those words I had clung onto as the world went black and crashed into me.

"Please, Anak, be strong and let me make amends. Don't leave your dad, too. You're the only one I have left of them . . . Pangako, pagbalik mo, Anak, I'll be there, waiting for you as the father you have been longing for. I'm so sorry . . . I hope I'm not too late . . .  P-please . . .  I promise . . . Just hold on to me."

I jolted a little, snapping back to reality, at the knock on my door. Tita came in with a tray in her hands. Namilog ang mga mata ko at agad-agad na tumayo mula sa kama ngunit umiling siya at pinigil ako.

Up until now, the resemblance she had with Mom haunted me. But I was getting used to it.

"No need, honey. You sit and rest. You have to gather your energy before the start of school," she said as she approached the bed and placed the tray on top of a built-in overbed desk.

Klase ko na nga pala sa mga susunod na linggo. I would be attending the same college as Eleanor. I initially planned to take a sandwich course—same as Ela–but I thought I might not be able to handle the stress at the moment.