Dance for Me

15

REMI'S POINT OF VIEW:

I lay on my back, my chest heaving as if I just ran a few miles. I've barely moved. There's a huge pressure on my chest and I can't breathe. My vision, ugh it's so scary. Everything is so bright. If I lean over the world spins crazily and I feel like I'm going to die. If I knew this is what it would be like, I would have never touched a needle.

I didn't start until I was 19. I was struggling bad. In order to be an exotic dancer, you have to be confident, fierce, strong. I was, and am, anything but. I didn't make as much money as the other dancers and I know it was because of how shy I was. I wore less revealing outfits, my body wasn't sexy enough. Bill kept telling me to come out of my shell and it'll all be fine but after being told how worthless you are and kicked out of your own home, no love in sight, it's hard to open up. The only person who somewhat accepted me for me was Drake.

Whenever he is bored he takes me, usually shoving something into my mouth so I can't scream. What's sad is that was the closest thing to love I've had in over a year. We lived together, I usually would sleep in a small closet with a mattress on the floor unless if Drake wanted me for the night. It's a horrible thought. It was so fucking painful but at the same time it was nice to feel wanted. Would that be considered Stockholm syndrome?

I confided in him one night, I was scared I was going to lose my job. I needed to bring business in and I really wasn't. I'd make about 300 a night where as others were making double or triple. It was embarrassing.

That night, Drake let me in on a secret. Something that would help me more, something that would help me have less anxiety. When he pulled my arm and wrapped it in a tourniquet, I panicked. I tried to push and kick him off but he straddled himself on me, holding my arm still while he shoved a needle in my arm. It was the most blissful feeling in the world. Everything calmed down, I felt warm and wrapped around a blanket. I hate to say it, but it helped me think less and I went into work that night dressed into skimpy little panties and a black tight vest, I was able to let loose. I made three thousand that night. And that's how it's been since.

Eventually I was able to move into a small flat on the Eastside but most of my money went to Drake to keep up with my habit. It's only been a year since I've been on it and the effects were finally starting to overwhelm me. I thought it would be easy to get off since I haven't been on it for that long, but here I am, laying in a gang leader's suite, my body literally dripping in sweat. I'm scared.

I hear footsteps coming up and I couldn't be anymore thankful. I hate being alone, I really do. I've had to suck it up for so long but ever since Andy has brought me here, it's hard to not get attached so easily. I hate myself for it. What if he only wants me for a play toy too? What if he finds someone better and tosses me out on my ass?

Everything is so bright and blurry, god please don't let me die, I'm so sorry, I'll do anything, please don't let this be it. It's so cold. I can feel my body shiver but I can't stop it. Fuck.

"It's okay babe, let me help," I feel his strong arms wrap around me, helping me sit up against him. No, I'm drenched, I'm gross, I'll ruin your outfit. My lips can't even move, I'm too tired. I don't know how in the hell I was able to call him.

He turns on the bathtub and adds a few oils to it, ugh it smells heavenly. I feel him drag my sweats and boxers off, I'm too weak to even be embarrassed. It's hard but I can see him taking off his clothes, fuck how can a human being be so beautiful?

All I can do is rest my head on his chest. I'm having a hard time making out what his tattoo is, my eyes don't want to focus. The most I can do is place a small kiss to his chest and close my eyes.

After awhile I feel my body being lifting and then lowered gently into the water, laying back down on the warm body. I groan out, it feels so fucking good, so good. There is a loofa being scrubbed gently against my skin, oh this is great. Despise the pain and nausea, this is heaven.

"Relax, go to sleep Remi, I got you love. This will all be over soon, okay?"

God I hope so. I need to be clean. I need to stay away from Drake. I'm scared shitless. There's no doubt in my mind that he's putting something else with the heroin. I know it's dirty. I used to have so much energy after a hit, I owned the world, but now it makes me pass out, I can't move, I can't even think of a sentence. It immobilizes me to the point that I swear I'll die. When it first started happening I thought it was just a bad batch. No, they are putting something different in it, I don't know what.

I can't even fight it, I feel my body start to get heavier. I'm done, I'm tired. Andy, please don't let me die yet. I'm too scared to be alone right now.