My Savior Dad!

Broken

You know that moment when your eyes really open for the first time? I'm living in that moment. My name is Mia, I live in Berlin, Germany. I am a former drug addict. Still recovering and detoxing, Not to mention the withdraws.

I used to think no one cared about me. I was a loner of sorts, then suddenly this one guy swept me off my feet and took me down a very bad path. But enough of that.

Here is sit in my home. Coming off drugs, shaking, cold and tired, but I feel more alive now then what I did since..... ever. So i'm writing this down. Dad says it will help. I hope he's right.

I heard a knock at the door. I couldn't be bothered to get up so I yelled "come in".

"Are you hungry babe?" asked my father. He stood tall in the doorway wearing only black jeans.

"Sure. What's for dinner?" I asked joyfully but before he could answer the first question I blurted out "Why are you home so early?"

"Got pissed off and said fuck it." he said chuckling to himself. "we're having meat and potatoes."

I laughed out loud since I knew we were not having meat and potatoes. Dad couldn't cook to save his life and I was way to sore and tired to even bother trying.

"So, Take out?" I said, still laughing.

"Come on Mia," Dad said with a straight face, "I can cook..." he paused for a moment and we just stared at each other "I thought we'd go American tonight and have pizza. I mean technically it's actually Italian but you know what I mean"

I chuckled and nodded. Sounded good to me.

I wanted to get up to hug him and tell him how happy i was that he was my dad. But I was sore, tired and weak. Instead dad came over to me. He sat on my bed and looked at me.

"Are you ok Mia?" he asked me worriedly.

I hated how he always knew what I was thinking or feeling. I guess i'm more like him then I love to admit. But he is my father and I suppose him being a father gives him reason to know his children well. He's been such a good father to me and I have never really told him how much I loved him. It's not something I can easily come out and say, it's just now how we are. I know he understands how much I love him but neither of us really have said it outright recently.

It's been hard for me to adjust since it all happened. To even let my father close to me was hard at first, but I learned to trust him and realized that he was the good guy, not the bad guy.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking about how lucky I am that your my father. And that you were there for me when I needed you most."

I was getting teary eyed just thinking about how appreciative I was. That's one thing about coming off drugs that I have to get used to, the emotions. Since i've been off drugs and away from that asshole that hurt me, i've found emotions I had forgotten I ever had to begin with. I mean it's a good thing, but also scary when you start tearing up for no reason.

Dad however just leaned closer to me and pulled me into his arms. I felt safe in his arms, so I just let myself cry.

We sat there like that for what seemed like ages. Neither of us said anything, I just cried. I could have sworn that I heard dad sniffle slightly, but decided for now to just leave that alone. It was a bit before the tears stopped but I know dad didn't mind.

"Dinner is getting cold." dad said pulling back. He looked at me and with his hand, wiped the remaining tears off my face.

"Let's go eat then."

I was trying to put on a happy face but i'm sure he could see right through. Everyone always thinks dad is not good with emotions. They don't know him to well obviously. He's always been the one to tell me that it's important to express yoruself to those you love and trust.

We got up and with the help of dad's arms around my waist I managed to make it to the dining room table. The smell of pizza filled the air. As I sat down I pulled the lid of the pizza box open. Pineapple and ham, my favorite.

We ate, furiously. I was actually hungry today so I stuffed my face without saying anything to dad. After we ate, I broke the silence by asking dad how his day had went.

"Very productive. I got a couple songs done but I got pissed off while trying to find the 'sound' for another so I decided to give up and come home to see you. And how was your day?"

I immediatly knew what 'sound' meant so I didn't bother asking. I just replied "It was lonely and boring. No one called. I played video games for a bit but I even got bored of that. i wanted to call you but I didn't want to disturb you. And before you say it I know I should have called anyways"

"Any time you feel like that babe, I don't mind one bit." Dad said as he got up from the table. "Do you want a smoke?"

"Sure" I said reluctantly "I wish I could break this habit though."

"You did cut down alot though babe." dad light up his lighter and both of our cigarettes. "don't be so harsh on yourself"

"I know I"m giving up alot already but I just feel like it's not enough. I want to be happy again but I feel like he stole that. I wish i'd never met him. I wish that I wouldn't have gotten in to drugs and ....." I trailed off, tearing up again

Dad had went to put the rest of the pizza away. I was sitting in the chair, crying again. I felt so horrible and I'm sure dad knew. I have been so upset, I feel like my life had been wasted. The more I though about things, the more upset I got and more tears started to fall. I was a mess... a complete mess and I couldn't stop it.

The tears fell and I wanted to run, to run away and lock my door. I didn't want dad to see me so broken, so lost. But I didn't have the strength to even get up at the moment. Instead I felt arms around my neck. I cried and cried and held nothing back, hoping that what dad said about showing emotions and it helping was true.

I heard a wisper from a shaky voice.

"I hate seeing you so upset Mia, You can't even understand how it makes me feel as a father that I can't make all your pain go away. I wish I could take it from you, to make you smile like you used to. But knowing all I can do is hold you and tell you how much you are loved is so hard..." he stopped and I saw his hand reach down to butt is cigarette. I did the same.

"Mia" he said now looking at me. he clearly had tears in his eyes. "I love you."