My Savior Dad!

Understanding Life

"Mia, I want you to let me talk, please don't interrupt me."

"I won't dad, go ahead"

I was shaking now expecting the worst. Could my life get any worse right now?

"Ok, so first off Mia, I haven't been completely honest with you. There is something I have to tell you but, I am afraid. I am afraid to tell you because I know your hurting already. But I can't keep this from you anymore, it's killing me inside."

He paused a moment, and turned to grab his drink off the stand beside the couch.

I didn't say anything. I just stared at him, waiting for the worst. Waiting for him to tell me he wasn't going to live, that he was dying and i'd be alone. Waiting for him to tell me he couldn't stay and help me, that he had to go home and be with them. Waiting for him to tell me i'd have to do this myself.

But that didn't happen, instead. He said this......

"For a long time Mia, i've struggled. I thought I could get through this on my own. I thought I could be strong for you. I thought I would be ok, no I knew I had to be ok. For you, for my daughter, my oldest daughter. I love you soooo much Mia and I thought I was doing the right thing. But I lied to you. I was being a hypocrite when I said you are doing the right thing cleaning yourself up. Mia...."

He stopped and took my face in his hands. He was trembling, badly. His eyes were welling up with tears, and he was struggling to keep it together.

"Mia, my darling daughter. I............ I am addicted to drugs too. I have not only been doing drugs, but have been sleeping around on my girlfriend. I thought getting back into music was the right thing for me, but it just brought all that back. All of that lifestyle I was living. Drinking, drugs, whores.... She's leaving me Mia. She's had enough and I don't blame her. I have had enough too. I want to make music, but everytime I try, this happens...and I thought I could hide it, to be strong for you. But turns out I am broken too. I am lost, I am alone and I am..... "

Fuck, he started crying. Like full on bawling his eyes out. I am so unsure of what to do....

So instead, I just reached out to grab him and pulled him close for a hug.

"Dad" I said softly, "Your not alone, your not lost and you are not a hopeless wreck. You are here with me, you and I are together and I am not leaving you. People make mistakes dad, people struggle. I can't tell you about your relationship, but I can say that if your not happy then of course you are going to do these things. I know you dad, you only do these things when life get's you down. What did she do to you? Why have you been unhappy? There has to be a reason dad. I know you and her have been not getting along all the time, I hear things to you know. Dad, look at me..."

I looked into his teary eyes, "I love you, it'll all be ok."

I'm not sure if those words were right to say or not, but I said them anyways. I am not really good with words, I am new with these feelings and these thoughts.

He pulled away from me, looked into my eyes and I could see the pain.

"your right..... we hadn't been getting along, infact I wanted to break it off. But I couldn't because of the little one, your sister. I wanted to try and make it work. She was pulling further and further away from me, and shutting me out. So I turned to other things to make up for what I wasn't getting. I tried to be ok infront of your sister. but in the end, I made things worse. How can I ever fix this? how can I tell her i'm sorry after fucking this up? She won't answer my calls and she's not at home. I know she found out, and I just don't know anymore.... "

"Dad," I chimed in "I think you should look for her. I think you should go out and try to find her, talk to her, tell her everything. Remember what you told me, showing emotions can be a good thing. And as for the drugs, we can get through that too! Your helping me, so I can help you too. But you should go talk to her, tell her everything you just told me. She may not be ok with it, but it could help you to start fixing yourself..."

Yes, I said fixing yourself, there's something my father has taught me. Sometimes, you have to put yourself before others. I think that applies here, since I know that if he doesn't, he may not be around.

"Dad...... go, i'll be ok. Just go find her cus I know you won't be ok if you don't."

With that I hugged him, told him I loved him, grabbed his coat and shoved  him out the door before he could argue with me. I know how much it would mean to him to set things right. Even if they split up, I know he'd like to at least stay friends. For my little sister!

So I went to bed, and counted sheep. And before I know it, I was asleep.