Tonight I want to cry, cry the fuck out of me. I haven't been able to cry for a long time, the last time I grip my heart to hard was when it was last year of December. Things had been going on in my little world and all I want is to fuck it all out and hoping for it to never come back around and haunt me anytime it can.
Tonight I want to cry, like it's my first
Tonight I want to cry, like it's my last
Tonight I want to deeply cry all, like it's the end
Tonight I want to let it all go, like letting go of your lover at
Tonight I want to cry all mine, like how I imagine people would cry as they look down to mine grave— pathetic girl.
Tonight I want to end my crying, but how can i? I did not fought for myself, I did not fought for being an overthinker and having insecurities, I did not fought my anger issue. I'm defenseless that I'd crumble so small liker a ball when people harsh me with just their slight judgmental words and sympathy.
Tonight I want to dissappear. Never be finally bothered, never finally be seen. I had been struggling to become someone. I laugh with my friends, I laugh with them, try to fit with them only to find out I'm still nothing— no one.
Tonight I want to forget every traces I walked
I want to erase every objects and skin I had able to touched
I want to erase every single eyes I had look towards to and feel something (happiness and tranquility)
I want to trace my spirit into wild and live forever as ghost
I want to choose the wrong road since my life has been nothing but a bad decisions
Tonight I want to cry and release the fact I've been scared shit, that I'm weak, that I'm fucking sick, that I need nothing but a help that I refuse to understand why is it even necessary, that I'm a friend they carry when they need something, that I ain't been strong ever since, that I'm vulnerable that even just the slightest words thrown at me which only turns into a grudge and trauma (which is funny because I advised this to someone of never holding a grudge yet look at me holding all of it, the traumas and use them to make myself feel more bad and regretful).
Tonight I want peace and only peace. When will I ever goal it? When will I ever get it? When will people understand me? Will they be able to understand me? Untypical is what I felt everytime I look in me. Disgusting. I'm not beautiful. And I never will be.
