Heated thoughts and wetness scrolling down my head, I couldn't understand myself right now— I saw her in the mirror; horrifying; terrible; who am I? When will I be myself? When will I be able to feel myself? When will I be able to feel like I'm alive? Like I'm living? I'm waiting still, patiently.
People has devotion in themselves, I can't even like one thing about me. People love how their eyes flick when wind hit them: I don't even want to close it because I felt like it's going to be my last, and as last I want to see everything. People love how their lips move: I hated mine, I don't smile, I don't smile with my teeth showing, I don't nourish my laugh because it's ugly, crap, it's fucking ugly. People love to wake up witnessing sunrise as a sign of another day: I love witnessing it because I want to see it for the last time, if ever, maybe, myself try to take everything away from me. Poepl loves falling in love: I don't. It's scary and cringe. But the thought of having someone beside you, caring for you, caressing every edges of your features, kissing your lips like there's no tomorrow, giving up everything just to feel again what they felt when they first saw you— its felt pathetic for me. And I don't want to be pathetic. It makes me look weak.
Anyone can love themselves, kiss themselves, careess their beauty, and care for themselves. But they love to fall in love, they love to be love.
I had someone I really liked, Jane. She's so pretty cool! I love everything about her. Every single little thing contains all about her.
I met her in my sophomore year in my high school time. I never believe in love at first sight, though, when whe walk towards the school council: she changed my mind. I can't tell who she was now, but, I know she was my 'the one who got away.
I was cruel to her, I can't even believed myself. I've been begging fate for someone who could love every inch of mine, making me feel like I'm theirs ever since the first day of my born, making me feel like my name has been existingly engraved in their heart already, yet not in their mind still. She was beautiful, smart, and very pretty! She was that one girl who's got everything you could ever wish to own. Everyone loves her because of who she is, and I can seriously tell lots of people envy her because they would make up lots of awful fake stories of who she was before she became an transferred student in my school.
I'll tell you one thing, it was recess time of half month after the first day of school. Her friend and she went up to our room and nothing to do but discussed anything. I love how she looks so engrossed onto talking with her friend; I love how she would express a flat emotion yet still interested form whatever her friend was goshing about to her; I love how she would naturally smile because she finda something funny; I love how she stares deeply in to the latter's eyes whilst they keep talking to her; I love everything about her.
I was few inch from her and her friend, I never have ever read my thoughts out loud!
"Fuck, Jane looks beautiful isn't she?" I crashed my thought to my friend beside me, I never regret saying it out loud but I was scared of any expression I might get from my friend beside.
Though she only said "Yeah" as she simply sigh.
And from that very moment I couldn't stop thinking about her, little did I even know I'd be friends with her and even better got to be her girlfriend!
She's amusing, such a beauty of a muse she owns. Her imperfections are her perfections.
Now I lost everything of her, forgot her, and never talked about it. When she accidentally slipped into my mind, I just cry because I hurt her, though, I never intended to do it.
I don't want to fall in love, not because it's not with her anymore, but because I just don't think I'm good of making people good.
I admit to myself I'll forever be a hopeless romantic and pathetic one circled by a billion of people.
