Vincent Secret of the Drugs

FUN TIMES at the Funeral

you guys asked for more...... everyone is currently locked in my basement for your writing pleasure..... only allowed to come out for sustenance to perform our tales.... I hope you're happy now....

The last time I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, I came downstairs and saw them all. Bound in rope, gleelessly directed by my writing partner to reenact these deeds we have thusly described. I hope you make your OWN grilled cheese sandwich.

one time they all tried to escape, I found them after taking my daily inspiration pills heading towards the front door. Luckily they are all very obedient! Only after I shoot my tranquiler darts at them. such fun! I hope you enjoy the story!!!

I don't even have a lactose intolerance. I know what you did. 

The sky was a somber gray smear as the two gentlemen looked at the black casket in front of them. Victor personally stated in his will that he wanted to have an open casket funeral... but damn... he was ugly as fuck.

Albert sobs aggressively, and dives into Vincent's supple chest. "WHY COULDN'T IT BE YOU INSTEAD???" He violently blows snot and boogers, bright green boogers and snot, onto Vincent's funeral blazer.

"Come on, man. That was $2 at Hobby Lobby. An old woman called me a slur when I bought it. I went through HELL to get that jacket. Now I'll have to take it to the drycleaners."

Albert wipes a tear off his cheek and sniffles, looking to Vincent. Ummm....Suddenly, a flash of erotic inspiration comes to him. "Yeah, I bet you look better without it," he utters suggestively.

Vincent took immediate and grave offense to this statement, and the look of disgust was so raw and deep that it was like a hunk of freshly killed meat sitting on a car windshield in Arizona. "Dude. I just said I really like the fucking jacket. I have insecurities about my shoulders. I frequently have shoulder herpes, and this jacket is my only dignity against the world. I can't frolic in tube tops like SOME PEOPLE..."

Albert gasped, and spun away from Vincent, "IT'S A HALTER TOP, BITCH." He scampers away and channels his anger into smashing an old woman's head into the pavement, then stepping on it repeatedly, and then throwing the lint out of his pockets into her mouth, and then shitting on her head.

Suddenly, a well-lotioned hand is on Albert's left shoulder. "Dude," said Draco, a weird friend of his, "I think that was Victor's mom."

" AH GAH GAH GAH" Albert screams and spits in Draco's mouth... What an unlucky man. He continues to run into the woods to who knows where.. As Vincent sees a fucking baby with an ugly ass clown face riding a bicycle... holding a tissue.

"I-I don't want to be evil anymore, I hurt too many people." The dwarf sized clown cried out.

Vincent shuddered in disgust at the site of the fucking stupid little puppet, the puppet took notice to Vincent and immediately changed his composure. "Goo goo gah gah.. I wan my mommy." Vincent audibly "awwws" at the cute little baby puppet, forgetting all of the disgustingly violent thoughts he had about bludgeoning him with a blunt instrument, and goes to pick him up. "OOOO you wan your mommy, whose ur mommy baby? Ooo youre so cute" He cradles him.

This was one of Vincent's many poor life decisions. He should have known, if he was more smarter, that this creature was malnourished and emotionally manipulative... He listened to The Smiths...

Immediately, as Vincent picked up this puppet baby creature troll, its small, piercing teeth, reminiscent of that of a shark, sank into his breast tissue, and began sucking.

"Woah there, slick," Vincent attempts, feebly, because he doesn't do arm day, to remove the parasitic milk-suckler from his breast, but as he is distracted, a familiar hunched figure creeps up on him.

A nasally voice speaks, "MOMMY. You're here...." and Winston Loomis skips eagerly to Vincent's nipple and latches on.

Vincent sighed. "Great. Now I have to eat for three. And I don't have a coupon." As he complains, Winston bites his tit. "Hey. What'd I say about biting. How'd you like it if I bit your nipple.. Actually.. Don't answer that.."

Draco paused in the middle of the street. "But wait. Vincent isn't female-aligned at all. Why would these people call him mommy?"

Unfortunately, a double-decker bus of funeral tourists came roaring past, at a force of 4,000 horse power, instantly killing Draco upon impact as his force flies into a stop sign, leaving a big brown splat that completely covers the letters. The peppy tour guide said, girlishly, "Darn. I keep hitting gay people."

Vincent shrugs at the death of his butler, he wasn't really relevant anyways, whatever. He turned back to the casket only to find it shut!!?? He crept towards the casket, slowed down by the weight of his two children.. Occasionally hearing a "mommy" from one of them. He heard moans coming from the casket, and felt his stomach dropped as he placed his hand upon it to open it. He takes a deep breath, than quickly opens the casket. "OH YEAH BABY GIVE IT TO ME" Albert says as he dry humps and makes out with Victor's dead body. Vincent gasps in jealously and screamed "CANT BELIEVE YOURE DOING THIS WITHOUT ME! YOU BITCH!" covering his kid's eyes.

Albert retorts "Sorry, you were too busy being an emotionally unavailable whore." Vincent gasps at the foul language, "FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU." Albert stands up from the casket with a dangerously aggressive gaze, sizing Vincent up. A brief moment of silence stood there for a second, until it was broken by the two men smashing their lips against each other like a car crash... like draco.... The babies fell off Vincent and scuttered away into who knows where...

As they parted their lips with a stream of saliva... Vincent seductively puts his mouth near Albert's ear and whispers. "We should go bowling, if you know what i mean..." he nibbles Alnert's ear, earning a surprised gasp from him.

"I LOVE BALLS!" Albert screams.... And then.... He started to hear clapping.... The lovers looked around as they saw Draco, Victor's mom, Jigsaw, and Winston Loomis, and the whole tour bus, stand up to clap for their confession. Then they heard something behind them,,, it was Victor,,, sitting up in the casket, clapping as well. As the clapping faded and everyone awkwardly walked away, Victor smiled "I enjoyed that." and gave a cheeky wink to the hidden camera.

The End.