Everywhere I go I don't feel comfortable
My own home feels like bridge to my head
My friends are only a distraction when I see them but when I'm not with them I don't think their my friends
I'm too paranoid to the point to where I don't trust anyone no matter what
Which is funny cause I'm also extremely gullible and can be easily pushed around
I think everyone hates me and is making fun of me when I enter their vision
If I'm not around I think my friends and family talk shit about me
Alone is when I feel at most peace yet at the most chaotic because I hate being alone it makes me feel like I'm not a good person but being with people sometimes drags me down because I realize sometimes how different they are form me
I don't like making conversation usually cause I feel like what I wanna talk about people don't wanna hear and usually what people talk about I most of the time tune out because I'm in my head so much
Fucking up doesn't feel like mistakes they feel like it's part of my personality
Every time I freak out I almost lose track of where I am entirely
I'll be on my room having a panic attack and practically forget I'm even in my own room
It sucks cause when I get upset I think about all the ways to self sabotage
Destroying my room, isolation, suicidal thoughts and so much more I don't wanna say
I don't have a comfort zone anymore, sure I have places where I feel more comfortable than others but in general I feel uncomfortable just about everywhere
I wish my head wasn't like this so I can be a properly functioning human being that can succeed
But for now I'm a self pitying loser who doesn't wanna do anything ever
I don't know how I became this way, maybe I was born like this, maybe there was some event in my life that changed me and I don't even know it, maybe it's from all the weed and psychedelics I've done, it could be all these things
I wanna say I'm experiencing burnout but it feels like more than this
It feels like I'm losing every inch of myself and I will completely lose it if I don't find a purpose soon
I know I'm young so it's stupid for me to worry now but I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing with my life and I'll end up killing myself or something
I don't know I have a lot of bad self destructive desires and fantasies that I can never fully understand
But it's weird I never act upon them usually I only sit there and think about them
I think I'm afraid of the end results of my bad desires and fantasies
I wonder if one day I do give into my bad desires and fantasies what would happen to me
Sometimes I think if I did those things I'd be a lot happier than where I am right now
