Mixed Signals

Prologue

Innocence. Used in euphesim could mean various things. Purity. Childishness. Non-committal of a crime. Virginity.

I lost my innocence.

I thought it was inevitable that I did. I thought I wanted to. I thought it was my fault anyway. I thought I'll get over it.

That's what I thought.

"Relax. You can sit on my desk. Or by the the floor. Or do you want to sit and wait on the bed?" he asked while he drinks on a bottled water. He then immediately picked his wallet from his pocket.

"I- I'll stay at the floor." I said. I was unsure. Reluctant. I fidget by pressing on my thumbs. But I do really like him. So what am I hesitating for?

"Can you believe this? Us. We've known each other since we were young." he says excitedly.

He picked something from his wallet and placed it on the table near me. It looks like some kind of candy packet. Then he sat beside me.

The atmosphere was really awkward, eerie and I didn't know what to do. I was really excited to meet him. I wanted to finally get things on, romantically.

I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and worry.

"You're really pretty, Mina." he said as he rubs on my leg. It made me a little uncomfortable. But I guess, he was just trying to make a move finally?

"Thank you. You've always been handsome for me too. I just didn't get into telling you." I answered and I tried to push his hand away but he instead held on it and interlocked his fingers with mine.

I was surprised. Excited. We held hands for the first time. It made me feel ticklish inside. I was only able to watch these things in romantic shows till this moment.

When I turned to look at him, he has been gazing at me deeply. Like tracing my parts with his eyes. It felt romantic to me.

To my surprise, he reached out his hands to my lips and traced it with his thumb. This- this is- I feel uncomfortable for sure. But this is sweet, right? Like a romantic movie? When the male leads try to make a move on the female lead? But why am I- I kinda not like it.

He began slowly leaning onto me. Am I about to get my first kiss today? Am I ready? I'm as nervous as I'm excited. I wonder how it would feel like?

And from all the anticipation that built up in me, finally, our lips pressed. It was- now I know what they mean when they say you have butterflies in your stomach. It was just like that! It triggered a lot of swirling feeling within. I do like him.

When he stopped, he began tracing my shoulders upwards to my neck then he leaned in again to kiss me but this time he was uhm- how do I respond to this? He kept moving his mouth around. Is this necessary?

Then, I felt something invade my mouth. It was his tongue going inside unwelcomed. I mean, I- isn't this too much? A sweet kiss will do. I'm good for now. I'm happy enough. I don't think I'm ready for this.

So I tried to smile and push him back to say, "Maybe, I should go now?"

"But we haven't even started yet." he said then pressed his lips against mine again. This time with persistence. With strength. He held me down by my wrists.

From butterflies in my stomach, this situation is now giving me chills down my spine. I'm scared.

He then began touching me everywhere. He handled parts of me that I didn't know could be touched in the way he was feeling them up. It sends me signals that my body reacted with in a manner that my mind didn't want to. I wanted to shut my self up from making these sounds. And these jerky movements. And my belly under from boiling.