Mixed Signals

Bohemian rhapsody

"But we haven't even started yet."
"Stop!"
"Help! Help me!"
"How was it? Good?"
"Wash up and leave soon. We have school tomorrow."

I ran through my memories as I sat in the corner of the shower. Water dripping on me. But I still feel so dirty. Have you experienced getting splat on with fecal matter? I haven't too but it felt like that at a hundred fold. I felt like I was robbed of a choice. I was robbed of my own body. He robbed me.

I didn't want to do that with him. I tried to resist. Was everything my fault? Did I tell him to do that? Did I ask him to? I don't recall it. Or did I?

I just wanted for him to notice me. Think I'm pretty. Like me. Love me. Just like in romantic dramas and series.

It took me a while to realize what he did to me. And what he stole from me. It was sex. It was all about having sex. That's all he wanted.

I don't like it anymore.
Romance is not real.
Love is not real.
Everything was just about sex.

Days are passing and I just wanted to drift away. My mom who raises me alone was busy with work. She's a nurse. She's hardly home and she can't really talk much to me. Because she's worried that I might get the virus. It was still pandemic period.

I understand. I also couldn't and wouldn't bring myself to tell her what happened. Because it was my fault. She warned me about coming to other people's rooms. Especially other boys. Except for Dudu's. She trusts him.

Dean. My dear friend. How are you? I'm sorry I haven't been visiting you. Do you miss me? I miss you. Will you find me disgusting?

As I remember Dean, I couldn't help but cry. Why? I was also in his room all the time. I always touch him. He sees me in my most vulnerable but he never attempted to violate me. But Ellis, he did that to me as soon as I entered his room.

*knock knock"

"Hey min, are you there?" I hear Dean's voice. Outside my door.

"Why haven't you been visiting? Did you break my things? I won't be mad. Just cook me something in exchange." he says.

"Hey, I'm gonna open this door now. Your mom's worried." he says but still I can't move an inch.

I hear and feel everything but I don't have the will to move my body. All I do is think occasionally. Remember. Cry a bit. Stare at the wall. Sleep. Shower. Shower a lot. Wash a lot.

"Minmi- woah!" he quickly turned away. I forgot. I was naked. I didn't even have the will to get dressed.

As he was covering his eyes, he slowly approached me and suddenly, I felt fear creeping in as I see his manly stature. Dean is a man now. He is a man. I screamed to him, "Don't come near me! Stop! No!"

He stopped and said, "Jesus! Minmin cover up will you? I can't see a thing here!" he began reaching for my blanket and I couldn't help but flinch away from his every movement.

"If I trip, I swear-" and he did trip sideways to the floor. Honestly, it was funny but I just curled up my forehead to this.

"Gah! Minmin! I swear I did not see anything!" he immediately covered his eyes again. Why is he so different from Ellis? He doesn't want to sex me? Is it not the same for everybody? Was it just Ellis?

Then, he threw the blanket to me and I covered up. I said, "I'm covered now."

"Minmin what the hell? You're so different nowadays! I mean, it's fine if you wanna be sexy and stuff but still. You're making us worry." he says then he sat in front of me. I still try to avoid him or try to keep a distance. You'll never know.