Surviving the Jungle

Kiss?

Yesterday, Marie told me that this Wednesday would be really calm and that she would let me go to the balcony. I haven't been there in a while. I can't hide my excitement as I'm let out in the yard in the morning. Marie will come after lunch, around 4:00pm, and take me there.

I sit a little further from the bench than lately. Blade arrives before Stallion most of the time, only a few minutes after me because our cells are in the same corridor, but sometimes the guards let Stallion's corridor out first. Today I arrive first, and Blade comes right after me. He touches my hair as he passes by me and goes straight to the bench. He mustn't have noticed have noticed my distant attitude. I don't need to stay away from him, but I know Stallion will join us soon, and I don't want to be too close. I doubt he would ever protect me like Blade asked him to. Or he would ask for an unpleasant counterpart. 

I look at Blade and hesitate. Maybe I should tell him about yesterday right now. Later it will be impossible. I'll have to wait until tomorrow if I don't do it now. But just as I open my mouth, Stallion walks by me, directly towards some dumbbells. Blade doesn't acknowledge his arrival as he's focused on lifting the bar over his head. It looks so easy to him. He barely even sweats at the end of his exercises. From his spot behind him, Stallion looks at me and wink. He looks gross, or grosser than before. I wasn't repulsed by him until yesterday, when he showed me his true nature.

Since Stallion is here, I can't tell Blade that I won't be in the yard all afternoon. He would certainly also ask why I can't take him with me, but Marie has been clear. He has to earn her trust. She's already risking her job for me.

Stallion keeps staring at me. He takes advantage of the fact that Blade can't see him. I have a bad feeling about him. He's trouble.

A few minutes before lunch, Blade finishes his workout with a few squats, and comes sit next to me on the dry grass. Since I had a fever, he tends to touch my hair or my shoulder once in a while, but he never sits too close. 

I take it as a good opportunity when Stallion takes place on the bench. He'll probably be too focused to listen to us. I wait for him to start and turn to Blade.

"I need to ask you something.

-What is it?"

-Why is he called Stallion?"

As I lowered my voice to ask him, he understands that I don't want Stallion to hear. He looks at me warily and stands up, holding his and out to me to pull me up. I take it and he doesn't let go, walking towards the bathroom. I see Stallion turning his head toward us, but try to ignore him. he must have guessed that I was talking about him. Or he probably believes we're going to have sex in the bathroom, just like he did yesterday.

Once we're hidden inside, Blade lets go of my hand. A guard watches us stiffly. How embarrassing it must have been for that girl. She let Stallion have her in a bathroom stall while the guard knew what they were doing. That's what most inmates do. I understand that there isn't any other alternative, but it's still weird and gross.

"Why do you want to know? And why don't you want him to hear that you asked?"

I look at the door where the guard stands, just to make sure that Stallion hasn't followed us.

"Yesterday, he asked me what our agreement was. He said that you were probably only waiting to... you know... have sex with me. But I said no! And he just made suppositions but he was creepy. And when I left he told me not to tell you anything. That's why I spent the rest of the afternoon with Marie."

Blade looks me in the eyes, searching for a hint that maybe I'm lying, but he doesn't find anything. He walks closer to me and puts his large hands on my waist.

"Why didn't you hesitate to tell me?

-Because I think you trust him, and I'm not entirely sure you should. And he also freaked me out a little.

-I can't trust a man who's been here with me for years, but I can trust you?

-I just, I thought you had to know. And he can't find out about the agreement."

Blade's gaze goes to the guard at the door, reminding me that I can't speak freely right now. I nod in understanding and wrap my arms around myself.

"Do you want me to confront him?

-No! He told me not to tell you. I don't want any problems.

-You're in Zone 3, you can never avoid problems for long, unless you force others to respect you."

I sigh and look at my feet. I decided to stick with them because it felt safer, but nowhere is actually safe in here. Blade is right. It's Zone 3.  I have to get used to it. I'll never be safe ever again.

Thinking about it, I've never been safe, even outside of the Jungle. The government is too strict, and the Jungle officials are always quick to throw you away. Even when I was free, I always had to watch out and be careful. Most people go to Zone 1 at least once in their lifetime. 

Blade gets even closer to me and rubs his nose against mine. The soft gesture is unexpected. My lips part as I sigh in surprise. His hands wrap further around my waist, pulling me against his body. I hold onto his shoulder as he pecks my cheek, then my neck. It's sweet, but I'm not ready to go any further, so I pull away. Blade smiles at me and puts his hand on my cheek, where he just kissed me a few seconds ago.

"Don't worry. I won't tell him, but be careful. And if he acts out of place again, just tell me. I'll deal with him."

I nod and wrap my arms around his neck, putting my head on his chest. For a second, I forget where we are. I relax against him. I don't know what I would do without him. I know I'm an inmate in a high security prison, but for the first time since I've been locked up, I can think about a futur.