Where's my savior?

20 is a weird age where the whole world kind of changes completely. I used to view the world around me in purples and pinks and shades of comforting blue, but now it all seems to be this uneasy gray color. As if everything that ever brought me comfort was dipped in this unfamiliar gray liquid that I sink deeper into, unable to grasp onto anything I used to know.

 I'm drowning and there's no one left to save me. 

I think what shocked me most at this age though is people. It felt as if every encounter I ever had was a lie and the curtain has now been drawn back to reveal to me what life's really like. There's an overwhelming, heavy amount of cruelty and selfishness in the hearts of everyone around me and it scares me beyond words. It felt like I was protected by an imaginary savior growing up, as if I had my own little fairy or godmother painting the world in front of me in all my favorite colors. But now that I'm 20 I can tell you that it's been a long time since I've seen any color to this world. 

Where's my savior now?

 I want my fairy back. 

I want it all back. 

Sometimes life sends me people that paint me a little yellow or make everything dull around me light up a little, but this never lasts. Soon enough, like a chameleon in a forest, they'll completely shift colors and leave me with an even darker world collapsing around me. The raindrops of yellow and orange that they once brought raining down onto my life almost always turn into pools of black poison and lonely gray shades permanently around me. 

This is why these days I've lost all faith in people around me. I'm so scared to let any form of light enter my life in fear of being left in even greater darkness. All I see is streets filled with hollow bodies that carry empty hearts. I used to imagine everyone was filled with love. I used to imagine people like little mugs filled with creamy and warm hot chocolate inside. They'd bring me warmth and comfort on all my cold days, and let me swim in their oceans of sugary brown waters. But for now I'm swimming in cold lonely waves that push me back and forth, wondering where it all went wrong. I've been so used to the warmth, I didn't realize how cold this world really is. 

All I do now is distance myself from people, I create my own bubble that no one is allowed to enter. But the reality of it is, I hate my bubble. It's too quiet and lonely here and as much as I like to pretend that I don't need anyone but myself, it's not true. I do need people, and I need love, as much as I wish I didn't. I don't love myself enough for self love to outweigh my dependence on other people's affection and validation. People almost always let you down, it's inevitable, but it leaves me at a constant battle between letting others hurt me the way they always do, or hurting myself by staying in my lonely bubble.

 I've faced way too many disappointments this year honestly, probably more than all my years combined. I'd like to say that the pain makes you stronger and I've come out of it stronger than before, and to some extent that is true, but I would've rather avoided all of it together.